Dazed and Confused Mondays

There are some things that leave me feeling befuddled.

Take goat cheese. It smells like barf. So when is it too barfy smelling to serve?

Tonight leaving a church meeting I passed the teenager meeting just starting, as I walked by I heard their leader encouraging them to be on time. Out in the parking lot I said hi to several people coming late????? Uhhh, maybe talkin' to the wrong crowd, darlin'.

You know that building? The one that is a new resturaunt every 6 months. What is it about that building??? And, who are these people that think, "ahhh... but the last 30 owners didn't have what I got."

Walking past a 3 foot x 3 foot talking, blinking skull at Costco. #7 says, "Woahhhhh! Mom, that's the coolest Christmas decoration ever!!!"

"Uhh, the coolest Halloween decoration ever?" I question.

"I know! Right?" He gives me a thumbs up.

"???"

Don't you just love it when the traffic Gods are smiling on you and the perfect left turn opportunity opens up before you? The kind of left hand turn that flows, not to close to the car in front of you, no braking, Nascar stuff, taking you smoothly through a crowded intersection without a pause. What really was the point of a pale Adorable Hubby mentioning that it was a four way stop?

Costco once again, I've escaped all by myself for a little girl time. I have two items a lime green and blue bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo, and a twin pack of feminine products. "Is that everything?" asks the checker, he's looking mighty fine in his pointy toed shoes and his mod shirt. I'm kinda distracted by the highlights in his perfectly messy hair or something because I say, "Yes....Oh! Wait! I forgot! I need a weiner!" What the... is the matter with me? It's like I need a Haz Mat wash down to get the testosterone off before I go out in public.

So what makes you a bit soft in the head?

Seasoning

It's turned blustery and it snowed on the mountain tops. I love fall, breaking out sweaters and soup recipes.

This fall has felt like an endless summer, 87 degree days, air conditioner and sprinklers still turned on, Saturday I got sunburned at the football game.

Football? Well if you insist.

I'm kinda the quintessential football Mom.

I get that you can't wash the luck out of winning uniforms, "Embrace that smell!"

I know that winners need celebration and losers need space.

I don't talk to coaches during the game even if it's something real important like, what they want for dinner.

I don't yell, "Ohhhh man, I just washed those pants!" Well, not out-loud anyway.

I bring cool after game snacks.

I mostly know what all the penalty signs mean...well, I know what grabbing on, face masking and pushing look like. And I know to yell, "Let em play!" When it's against us, and "That's right!" When it's against them.

I know to bring sunglasses and ice water and blankets and hot chocolate to the same game because you just never know.

At little league games I stalk up and down the sidelines and shout encouraging stuff, "That's OK tigers, shut them down on the...uhh, after..point...thingy!"

When my little players get hurt by the big, mean first and second graders on the other team I give them a hug, a drink and yell, "Now go kick their asses!"

And some Saturdays I do it all at the same game while wearing my Fully Chested t-shirt, I'm just quintessential that way...

And, WOW! am I looking forward to football being over and nothing but raking and baking.

Dog Days of Summer

I have never really understood what, "dog days of summer" was referring too until this year.

Apparently it's when your black furry dog sheds his summer coat to make room for the winter coat and the last few days of summer are spent in a cloud of fur an inch thick all over your house.

But, understanding the old saying hasn't really cleared anything up...

Why, does the dog need to shed the old fur? Can't he just grow some winter fur to add to the summer fur, like layering a blouse and a jacket over a tank top?

Does shop vacuuming a dog help with shedding? Oh! Oh! Pick me! I know! The answer is no, not really.

"Wait, your dog will stand there and let you shop vac him? He doesn't run or bite at the vacuum?"

"What can I say, he doesn't get layering either."

And how can a dog with the surface area of...ummm, a dog, shed enough hair to cover the entire surface area of a house? Isn't that a mathematical impossibility?

Finally, and most importantly why the crap did I not see this coming when I stood at the pound, on the other side of the kennel wondering why this dog wasn't barking with all the rest.

Doggone dog days of summer!

What's In Your Wallet?

I have, after many years, reached a point in child rearing where I can look at my purse as a fashionable accessory rather then a diaper bag.

I celebrated with smallish purses that held the basics, a wallet, lip gloss, powder, girly supplies and a pen.

Then came Hobo bags.

I held out! I was potty-trained...er my boys were potty trained. A Hobo bag was large, it could hold a lot of stuff, I didn't need or want a lot of stuff hanging off my shoulder, whacking me in the back. I've been there and done that.

Then an inexpensive, go with anything Hobo bag caught my eye. It was voluminous. I promised to show some restraint.

Now, I'm the type that gets waved through security check points. Everyone in the party may get ID'd. Not me!

So imagine my surprise the other day when my purse was searched by a security guard at the court house. Apparently the x-ray machine showed some suspicious items.

First, the dour looking guard pulled out a flashlight. Hmm...it does kinda looks like the silencer to a gun, I thought. He turned it on, turned it off then dropped it back in the bag.

I believed the embarrassment for both of us was over.

NOPE!

He continued to dig though pulling out item after item and comparing them to the picture on the screen.

A tinfoil pack of Tuna Fish
Pineapple tags
Muscle relaxant cream in a metal tube
Five lip gloss in various containers
Lotion
KY Jelly
Two sets of keys
A hair brush
A tooth brush
A package of diaper wipes
Two powder compacts
A finger nail file
A glasses cleaning kit
12 pens
4 lbs of coins
Toe separators
Wallet containing 3 more lbs of coins
A tin of Altoids
3 packages of gum
A bottle of shampoo
A bottle of hand sanitizer
2 eyeliners
Mascara
An envelope full of amusement park discount tickets
Two bottles of vitamins
A bubble gum sucker
A Happy Easter pencil
A months worth of grocery store receipts
Coupons
Deodorant
Dental floss
A check book
A Zip Lock of herbal tea bags
And, one tampon

What the poor guy didn't find was the pocket knife he thought he'd spotted.

Can you imagine a Boy Mom purse without a pocket knife? I too was a bit shocked!

I think I'll give my hobo bag to a hobo and downsize. I have no restraint!

Football Hostage Update

I was able to sneak this letter out...

The tortures are terrible I'm being asked to do unspeakable things. Like figure out how to get three boys and one Adorable Hubby to three different practices at three different locations at the same time. With one car.

Tonight they violated the Geneva convention by strapping me to a metal stadium bench and dumping gallons of rain water over my hair, in my face, down my shirt and pants while electrical currents flashed overhead. Finally when I was thoroughly soaked the wind machines were turned on and the temperature was dropped 20 degrees. Human Rights Advocates grab your poster boards somebody needs to protest.

There have been demeaning questions, "Why did you let #5 take my water bottle I filled?" "Why are we never eating dinner until 8:45pm?" "I hate football! Why did you sign me up when I cried and begged and told you I was unloved if you wouldn't?"

When it all gets to be to much they send in a little 7 year old who has worn full football gear constantly since last Christmas, and can't understand why he doesn't practice on Sunday. He tells me with shining eyes, "Mom, my position is secret ninja guard!"

"Do you mean free safety?"

"Yeah!!!!" With such joy and wonder that I forget for a moment that I'm a captive and develop a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome, start identifying with my captors and even fall in love with their cause...until they ask the most unspeakable thing of all.

"Mom, will you wash my football stuff?"

If you get this letter send chocolate and a chauffeur and a maid.

Love,

Boy Mom

Stuff I Need to Get OFF My Chest (Or, in Some Instances, ON)

I was bitter and angry when the Schlotzsky's Deli near our home closed. For the past several years I have suffered bouts of depression and unreasonable anger when faced with purchasing a substandard sandwich. Oh Joy! Adorable Hubby found a Shlotzsky's Deli in Utah only 22 miles away according to Google. There is also a Schlotzsky's in Pocatello, Idaho 183 miles away and seriously worth the drive and whatever social stigma is attached to driving 183 miles to get a sandwich in Pocatello.

There now, I feel much better... unless I think of Kenny Rogers Roasters.


My boys are really good to let me sleep during days when I've worked a graveyard. From time to time though they feel compelled to wake me for some really important news. I don't resent these important moments in the least.

On Thursday an entirely new and earth shatteringly important discover was made in Boy Yard.

Apparently one of these.



Got it on together with one of these.



And created one of....




Sadly, #5 pushed (No I didn't it was an accident) #7 (It wasn't an accident and he HIT me and it was his fault) who landed on the newly discovered land Crustacean (Rolly Polly's are crustaceans, I Googled it.) with pincers and squished out it's kind forever.

Terribly sad, because we all know how rare crustaceans with pincers are. The entomological world and #7 are reeling from the blow.


Worth getting woke up for and not at all resentment causing.

And since we're on the subject of graveyard shifts. I usually get up around 3:00 PM, throw on some clothes and try to get a few things done before getting ready for work at 8:00 PM or often later. I usually leave for work at 8:45 PM, or often later, with wet hair and no make up, and I always drive at 90 miles an hour with the windows open to savor a little of my favorite time of day.

So when I arrive at work having used the open windows as my hair dryer and put on whatever make up I could find in my purse, I kinda look like this.



Smokin' Hot, I know. And, when arriving at Radiology from the ER patients seem really calmed by my appearance. A working girl does what she can.

Why can't I get organized and to places on time?


And speaking of awesome t-shirts and chests... What? Well we are now!


This is the t-shirt/slogan handed out to local college football fans a couple years back.




And this is the much awesomer version made for my Birthday by my awesomely artistic and dashingly manly friend, Paul. His gorgeous female counterpart, Mandi made me cookies and negotiated the always tricky woman's sizing dilemma, earning her an awesome accolade as well.

Now that's something worth keeping on my chest.

All t-shirt modeling inquiries will be handled by my agent, Adorable H Hubby Dawg, yo!

The Sweetest Things

Monday August 9th we took our 4 youngest boys and their cousin back to Lagoon, the large amusement park in our state. We really enjoyed our visit a couple weeks ago. So much so that Adorable Hubby got all spontaneous on me and insisted we bounce back (only $10.00 a person to come back with in the next couple weeks of your full price, or coupon price, visit).

I love when Adorable Hubby get's spontaneous so we ditched the dirty house, over grown lawn and laundry for a fun night.

On our first ride, the Tilt-A-Whirl I kept making eye contact with the ride operator, he apparently thought it was more then me begging for the ride to be over soon so I could run find a restroom because as we got off he offered me his hand, a suave smile and probably said, "Have a really great day". To #6 and I his accent made it sound a lot like a really sincere, "Happy Birthday!"

"Wow!" Said #6 looking up at me wide-eyed, "How did he know it's your Birthday tomorrow?"


So, since everyone at Lagoon and most likely the whole world knows it's not at all vain for me to blog about my birthday. Right?

I started the day by sleeping in until 9:45, not without kicking the dog and multiple boys including some neighbor kids out of my room, but still 9:45 WOO HOO!

It would have been a bit later but that's when #4 and #5 came in with breakfast in bed. Three 8 inch pancakes with peanut butter and organic maple syrup, two cold, rubbery fried eggs (a #5 delicacy, he's 9 just smile and eat), eight pieces of bacon, and two pieces of toast, artfully arranged on a meat serving platter that may have needed to be rinsed off before use.

And it was delicious! I have wonderful sons! And a 2000 calorie breakfast on your birthday is perfectly acceptable...?

Next, I hung out in bed and texted with some friends and discovered the joys of a birthday on facebook, when I found 30+ greetings from friends and family and a stranger from India who thinks I have nice eyes in my email in box.

My sister Laura is in town, she is just 13 months younger than me, we were really close in college, last year we almost lost her to an aneurysm. She is in town for a week! What a great present, to hang out with Laura and my youngest sister Jenny. We pedicured, Pier Oned, Chilli'sd and laughed and talked. Sweeter than the free brownie at Chilli's is time with those you love.

I got home and suddenly remembered I was married and had children, errands and dirty dishes...fortunately my friend Suzie called and we chatted through the errands and chores. A best friend is the best birthday present you'll ever get and you get it every stinking day! Sweet!

I Finished off the day at dinner with Adorable Hubby and came home to well wishes and treats from more friends.

Thanks everyone for making it a great day! And, I heartily reccomend a spontaneous night including an unexpected if misinterpreted birthday greeting from a teenager at an amusement park to keep you from feeling too old.