Empty Threats

One of the great joys of parenting is empty threats. Although Super Nanny and a plethora of Ivy League child development specialists tell us, in superior voices, that empty threats ultimately undermine parental ability to affect childhood behavior; I say, in a very practical, cause I'm freakin' livin' childhood development with MY kids, voice, that empty threats have their advantages. Empty threats are fun, they give you a chance to calm down and distract the little dears from their current behavior, they help you laugh at yourself, they teach children the difference between fact and fiction, empty threats encourage creative thinking and help children see that they may be being just a bit dramatic about life.

Ok, before you go all DCFS on me, let me assure you that I have deep respect for Childhood experts and I know that empty threats destroy little psyches and border on abuse and I would never realllly use an empty threat, but if I did here are a few of my favorites.

Moms to children:

I brought you in to this world and I can take you out.( Not if taking them out feels anything like bringing them in.)

I'm going to heat that food up and serve it to you for every meal until you eat it. (Isn't that called leftovers?)

If you don't eat your dinner you won't get desert. (They know I wilt after three whines.)

If you don't pick up your toys I'm going to throw them all away. (Yeah, Right I paid for the dang things.)

If you don't change that attitude I'll change it for you. (This is my favorite, until they start asking what an attitude is)

If you won't be quiet I'm going to tape your mouth shut. ( Doesn't work, I've tried it.)

If you hurt yourself I'm going to spank you. (This little gem is my Mom's)

Dad to kids.

If you don't knock it off I'm gonna stop this car and leave you on the side of the road.(But Daddy, just this morning you called me your little tax break)

Do you want we to break my foot off in your arse?(This is gonna hurt me more then it'll hurt you, might actually apply in this case)

I'm gonna blister your butt. (Is it possible to actually raise blisters?)

Do you want your balls cut off?(Umm, no)

If I find one of those lying around I'm going to stuff it in an orifice you don't want me messin' with. ( Gross.)


OK, so what are some of your favorites? Leave me a comment and I'll post it on my blog.

Fortune Cookie

This Morning when Miah came up to get breakfast the first words out of his mouth were, "Do I have to go to school today?"
I countered with my best psycho babble bull s*** answer, "Miah, if you feel your best interests would be served today by staying home, then stay home, it's your decision."
To which he replied, "Mom, I hate it when you go all fortune cookie on me."
I got a good laugh out of his response as I often do with Miah, he's a funny kid; and, he decided it was in his best interest to go to school.

I guess I didn't get the whole fortune cookie thing out of my system because I've decided to share some thoughts this morning.

January is a tough month, I am supposed to set goals, why, because society expects it. After all, how can I be a card carrying member of western/Christian society if I don't have my January goals listed and tucked away in gloomy anticipation of their demise in February or March. If I don't set goals I won't accomplish anything right? Besides, I am a child of God he expects me to set goals. These ideas have led me to consistently sit down and write out my little list of goals for years; only to spend January in misery feeling like a sinner a failure, and an undeserving child of God.

What are goals and why do I get guilted in to setting them and guilty when I don't achieve them?
I have come to define goals as a want list, I want to lose 50 lbs., I want to keep up with the laundry, I want to be out of debt. feelings of want are a normal healthy part of being alive, if I didn't want food I would starve to death, you get the idea, wanting is not bad, wanting just is. The problem with wanting lies in thinking that happiness comes from attaining our wants, or that wanting a bigger house or more money or to be thinner makes me less than someone who has or is those things. As a Christian I've been taught to set goals/wants because I will get whatever I set my heart and mind on; therein lies the worst problem with goals/wants; as I say repeatedly in my head I want, I want I want... I get the desires of my heart and mind, I get a state of want. This has worked really well for me most of my life and I'm sure it's working equally well for most of you. The problem is compounded by the Christian falselosophy that goals are acceptable but wanting is bad, I should just be content with what God has given me right, but make sure you set those goals, no wonder I need chocolate. Oh no, I'm eating chocolate I have a goal/want to be 50 lbs. thinner I'm a sinner I don't deserve to be thin.

That brings me to my point, the word, deserve, what a beautiful word, it implies that something has been earned that it is a rightful reward of having put forth the effort to become the thing I aspired to. Imagine the results of my goals if I deserved to lose 50 lbs., or deserved to have the laundry done, or deserved to be debt free? I think my children deserve to have plenty of food, and clothing, a comfortable living environment an education, play time, chores, and love and forgiveness as they learn. As a child of a loving Father in Heaven I deserve to receive the wants of my heart. I deserve to be 50 lbs thinner and to have every other desire of my heart. I have spent many years perfecting the art of creating a state of want it will require effort to create a state of deserving, but, I do deserve, I am a child of God.

Family Tradition

Family Traditions
Hank Williams Jr.
Don't ask me Hank
why do you drink?
(Hank) why do you roll smoke?
Why must you live out the songs that you wrote?
If I'm down in a Honky-Tonk
Some ol' slicks tryin to give me corrections
I'll say leave me alone
I'm singin all night long
it's a family tradition

I come from a deer huntin' family. Every year my Dad went out with my brothers to get their deer. If, heaven forbid, they got one, we girls had to hide out in our rooms as my Mom and Dad, egads, I lie not, butchered it on the kitchen counter. It's a miracle I've never been to a therapist.

I married in to a family that hunts deer, with their cars. My Father in law has hit at least 4 ' ittle Bambi's since I've been in the family and my poor brother in law Aaron who, as car huntin' fate would have it, worked up the canyon at a golf course during his younger life, has successfully bagged at least three.

The deer huntin' with your car tradition seemed to have skipped my husband, we were only too happy to let it go in either form; but, alas Smith genes are true to their heritage, Jacob got a deer driving his brothers home from the temple Saturday night. The boys were pretty freaked out, that was just not the way to end Jeremiah's first trip to the temple. They kept their heads and made it home with only two panicky phone calls, one from them to us, one from us to them. Amazingly they didn't even scratch the Suburban, I guess deer huntin' in any form is safer in a 3/4 ton, four wheel drive vehicle.

Family Traditions
Susin' Smith Jr.

Don't ask us Smiths
Why do you drive?
(Smiths)Why don't you slow down?
Why must you aim for those big ole' eyes of brown?
If I'm behind the wheel
If I revin' the engine.
I'll say leave me alone
I'm huntin' with my car,
It's a family tradition.


Hank Williams and really bad knock off versions of songs are also a sad little Family Tradition, our poor kids.

Gotta love it.

Happy MLK Day

On Friday morning Richard and I were cuddling in bed with Isaac. After a few minutes of pleasant snuggles he started in on his morning complaining and whining that he didn't want to go to school. We reminded him that today was Friday and that after school today he didn't have to go to school for two whole days. He thought about it for a minute then got really excited and told us that he didn't have to go to school on Monday so it would be three whole days and that he knew why Monday was not a school day.

Mom: Why don't you have school on Monday?
Isaac: Because there was this King.
Mom: A King? What was he king of?
Isaac: Umm...I think a state...yeah, he was the king of some state and he held up a lot of signs and some other people held up signs.
Mom: So what were the signs for?
Isaac: Oh, uh...because the brown people went to school and the white people went to school but they held up signs so now we don't have to be sep...separ... separate any more. Cool huh?
Mom: So what happened to the King?
Isaac: Oh, he just went back into his castle or something.


Happy King of Some State Day!

Safety Alert

This email was forwarded to me from my husband’s cousin.

I hope she doesn’t know the original sender.

While I agree that we all need to be aware of the obvious when it comes to safety; I get tired of all the paranoid freak you out emails that seemed to have gained a life of their own in cyberspace. So here is my lame-assed attempt to make a rapesafe refresher course humorous.

Disclaimer: The information and said humorous/witty asides do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the Smith family, its members, partners, or wholly owned subsidiaries. The reader assumes all responsibility. Proceed at your own risk.

This is important information for females of all ages.

Please read it to your 3 year old daughters.
When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends, but I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this information is too important to miss someone.

Is it just me or does this guy seem a little suspicious?

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:
That explains it…I wonder if he sent the email before or after he finished his prison sentence?

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.
That settles it I’m dying my hair Lime Green cutting it down to a nice 1 ½ inch length and spiking it with super glue.
2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly.
Great I’m going to have to start wearing undies.
3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard and can be easily overpowered.
Like digging through the grocery bags to find the treats she plans to eat all by herself in the car on the way home.
4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00a.m. and 8:30a.m.
I’m sleeping in until 12:30 p.m. every day, just to be safe
5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.
Grocery store, why, why, how could anything bad ever happen at the grocery store.

Office Parking Garage, like I would ever be by myself at any place as nice as an office with a parking garage.

Public restroom, since I have to start wearing clothing that’s difficult to get out of and have had 7 kids…I’ll just be going in my panties thanks.
6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.
“I’ve, got her, Scotty, Beam, me up!”

“I can’t get a lock on ya Jim.”

“I’m, gonna, lose her, Scotty. Transport, now!”

“Dammit, Jim, I’m not a miracle worker.’
7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.
Who knew rapists thought about their future?
8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.
Well Duh! Every three year old has mastered this technique, throwing a temper tantrum works.
9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.
Would a big, red, plastic, Fat Bat work?
10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: 'I can't believe it is so cold out here.’ Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.
Or go on and on about each of your child birth experiences, nothing turns a man off faster.
11.) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back .
So why doesn’t this work when I’m dressed up and a sticky handed, dirty faced two year old man is coming towards me?
12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.
Pepper Spray? I dunno, I think about how many times I have sprayed myself in the eye with a can of hair spray when I’m stressed out because I’m late for church… No, I don’t think so.
13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY, VERY HARD . One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches.
So that’s why Moms everywhere teach their sons that pinching is only for girls.
14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble and he's out of there.

This also works well for pig headed principals, know-it-all Doctors or annoying men types everywhere.
15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
ohh! That sound just totally freaks me out, No Way!
16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!
You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

My Momma taught me, All Guys were trouble!

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
Wait; is that the bendy thing on my legs or the bendy thing my arms?

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
My teenagers are way more interested in my purse then in me…Is the New Orleans tour guide an expert on teenagers as well?

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

Alas, one more reason we can’t haul our kidlets around in the trunk.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
I’ve got 7 kids, quiet and privacy matter to me, a lot, if I am so desperate for a little quiet time that I’m taking it in my car in the parking lot at the grocery store and some guy tries to interrupt me for sex…I pity da fool!

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

Try to total it then you can get a new car in the bargain.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.

If a someone climbed in my car amongst the sippy cups of sour milk, fruit snack wrappers, assortment of toys, dirty diapers, dried up chicken nuggets and french fries and still thinks I’m worth the wait in the hopes he’ll get sex…he’s probably my husband.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

Mothers with many annoying children drive vans as well; they must be avoided at all costs.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

One day I was out shopping with a friend, I sat in the parking lot in my maroon Suburban with all our kiddos waiting while she ran an errand. Facing me a couple aisles closer to the store was a man sitting in his maroon Suburban with his kiddos waiting for someone…Yeah, you guessed it, as I watched, Suzie came out walked to the passenger side of the guys Suburban and climbed in and started yakking. The poor guy never said a word Suzie looked at him started laughing to hard to say anything and climbed back out. If I see a man sitting alone in a car by mine I’ll just climb on in and laugh my ass off.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
Hey, who are all these men in my house? Why do they wait for me in the car? Why is one of them winking at me then looking towards the bedroom…? Sorry just a little paranoid.

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

Stairs also tend to leave you out of breath when you’re still carrying that extra 50lbs from the last baby, a Fat Bat, and pepper spray, rehearsing your birthing stories, wearing lots of difficult clothing, and digging through your purse for a treat you can eat in privacy on the way home.

7. If the predator has a gun you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zigzag pattern!

I believe this, no matter how mad I am I can only hit a zigzagging toddler with a ketchup covered Dora figurine 4 in 100 times.

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
After all good looking well educated men don’t need sympathy. Grab that cane and beat him to death sisters.

9. Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes. DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This should be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

You’re only allowed to notice other peoples crying babies when you’re shopping, without your kids, at Wallmart.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

This guy has so, done time.

I hope you have a smile on your face, a fat bat in your purse short greasy hair, really difficult to remove clothing and the assurance that neither your Husband nor any other slime ball on the planet will ever be able to fulfill your secret rape fantasies.

Oh whatever, I know I’m not the only one.

Internet Analysis

This is just so totally me wouldn't you all agree? I also found out I am a blue crayon and a chocolate chip cookie. I just love internet analysis.

What Susan Means

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way. And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life. You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

January Stuff

This is all the exciting stuff we do in January.

Jacob and Josh go to the gym at 6:00 am, that is very early, very, very, early. Teenagers are much less concerned about revealing their true personalities, really bad accents, very loud and goofy music(Blue Oyster Cult, Godzilla), not so nice language, crude comments, suspicious sounds followed by horrible smells, to Mom type figures who may be semi-comatose and freezing in the back seat. Fortunately, for them, freezing, semi-comatose, Mom types are punchy enough think it's funny, kinda like watching a really bad comedy, really late at night (only this is real life and, did I mention, it's really early in the morning...).


Jeremiah makes funny comments with a poker face, "Mom, they called and moved my Temple recommend interview from 7:00 to 8:40, the bishop had a party thing, which I guess is more important then the temple, so can you still take me?"
Or he tells funny stories with a quirky little laugh.
Jeremiah: So I had this dream that I went to Disneyland with Ben, Tommy, Hanna, the Baileys and the Bishop. I said, hey Ben did you duel the Bishop and Ben said, "No, the Bishop said that he would bring a handful of Yu-gi-oh cards and he didn't."
Mom: Was that the whole dream?
Jeremiah: No, I could go on and on... but I don't think I will.


Benjamin does lots and lots of homework. His teacher is driving us crazy with all the homework,
if you looked up homework in the dictionary, there she'd be. He gets math and spelling every night, he is supposed to read 30 minutes every night and this includes weekends. I think I am going to send her a homework assignment: Describe in 200 words how to fix dinner for a family of nine get them to all their various activities, keep a house clean and teach a 5th grader how to describe the plot, give an example of characterization, and summarize the main points of a book you have not read. Show your work. Oh, and I'd like it handed in by 6:00 am Monday morning so I'll have something to read at the gym.

Isaac won't get up, won't get dressed, doesn't want breakfast, gets his feelings hurt, runs to his room, doesn't want to go to school, ignores empty threats, won't go to school, gets hugs, hates going to school, gets begged, still won't go, Dad gets involved, stomps to the car, walks 1 iph going in to the school. Bounces out of the school, talks non-stop about school, says he loves his teacher, says he loves school, eats a snack, plays with his friends, loves to do his homework, goes to bed.



Joseph wears hats, wants sun glasses, spikes his hair, eats lettuce like an apple.


Adam, feeds the fish, tells everyone not to say bad words like shut-up and stupid and idiot, has no idea that sh**, a**h***, or f***, are considered bad words.

Mom, goes to the gym, laughs at teenage boys, loves funny stories and dry humor, helps with homework, pleads, cajoles, threatens, begs, grumpy kids to go to school, picks up happy kids, loves hats and spikes on her Joseph bunny, cleans fish bowls and tries not to say bad words.

Dad takes over and sends Mom off to the gym and Wallmart, loves, listens, encourages, yells, provides, and laughs.