The Nose Knows

Adam: Mom I smell gum. I want gum! (as he sniffs my purse which has gum in it that I don't want him to have because he eats it like candy if he knows we have any.)

Mom: Adam I don't have any gum, we're all out. (It's a lie for his own good, right?)

Adam: Mom, come on. (He takes my hand and leads me to the bedroom where I used to keep a stash of gum)

Adam: Open the cupboard Mom.

Mom: There is none up there it's all gone. (Why am I fighting it, we all know I'm gonna cave in)

Adam: Lift me up I want to see. (He's beginning to catch on that when gum is involved I am a dirty liar)

Mom: See, no gum. (Holy cow, he's heavy!)

Adam: Fine, I'm not having any then! (As he falls to the floor sobbing, the little drama queen.)

Mom: Sorry honey. (I walk out as waves of guilt wash over me, yes, the drama thing works.)

Adam: No one loooves me!!! (Oh, he's laying it on thick!)

Mom: Look Adam, Mommy found ONE piece in her purse. (yeah, yeah, I'm a pushover.)

Note to self: Find a new hiding place for gum, store gum in a ZipLock.

Politics

Tis' the season I guess, I try really hard not to think to much about politics. When preparing to vote I usually just go with my gut reaction to a name or call my Mom to see who she recommends, pretty lame considering I'm in my forties. Lately I just can't escape thoughts of a political nature.

Now don't get me wrong I truly appreciate this great country I live in, our free elections and all that. I have even been to a caucus meeting which I bet most of you can't claim, OK so I'm still not really sure what I was doing there or why we even have caucus meetings. I do remember that it was at the middle school (we sat in desks) and that while I was there all the change was stolen out of the ash tray in my car, two good reasons never to go back. At this point my passionately political mother is squirming in her chair...don't worry Mom if the Mayan calendar is wrong and life as we know it continues past 2012 I promise to carry on your legacy, hell, I'll probably run for city council at least PTA president. Here's the thing though, Mitt Romney, John McCain Mike Huckabee, Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, based on the name thing no one gets my vote, just can't picture myself saying President Huckabee with out a snide giggle, and is there a difference between any of these candidates really?

The way I see it, it's like going down to the local Hostess Thrift store, gazing around at all the 'wholesome' choices and then spending a year trying to decide which one is better for you.

Let's see, we have the Apple pie(Romney) real fruit, flaky crust.

Our American icon the Twinkie(McCain) spongy, cakey, indefinite shelf life.

The Glazed Honey Bun (Huckabee) sugary, sweet southern calories.

Ahh, the Cupcake (Obama) chocolate with a decorative white swirl.

And, last but not least, the Suzy Q (Hillary) two layers of cake filled with lots and lots of fluff.

Hmmm, which should I choose? They all call to me, they proclaim their benefits, each promises to make my life better, they all taste so good with a tall glass of ice cold, hormone laced, milk. Problem is I can't help thinking that they're all a bunch of Ding Dongs, crisp waxy chocolate? cake? cookie? filled with sweetened, whipped, shortening.


No thanks!
I'll pass!

In The Name of Science.

Lately visitors, to our very classy home, have been favored with viewing a piece of green, moldy bread, neatly encased in a Ziplock bag in each of my windows. Each bag says Jeremiah on the outside and probably should include the start date, which window and a few other vital pieces of information that sixth graders tend to forget when they conduct science experiments.
The other day when organizing my freezer this is what I found. This was one of Joshua's latest science experiments; another of Joshua's, in the last three months, was three shoe boxes with different colored Christmas lights poked through holes in the top to give light and warmth to the seeds in dirt filled plastic cups. This one was in the corner of the living room throughout the holiday season adding, an oh so lovely accent, to the decoration boxes I couldn't seem to get emptied and back to the storage unit, piles of school papers, the mountains of laundry, the half finished neighbor gifts everywhere.

Not to long ago my entire dining room table was a pinewood derby workshop complete with every tool we own, sand paper and spray paint, nails, stickers, string and a few two by fours that Joshua was cutting down to build a special launcher so that he could experiment with running his car on CO2... Oh and did I mention a saw. On my dining room table folks which is the first sight you see when you come into our home.

I could just chalk all these exasperating messes up to being the number one, on the job joy of raising boys, although I had already given given that dubious honor to the bathroom, but then I got to thinking...what if I blamed all the housekeeping tasks I let slide daily as being science experiments?

Brilliant, these aren't dirty dishes in my sink. This is an important experiment to determine how effective dish detergent and fingernails are on dishes left sitting for longer then 24 hours.This is not lint left on the dryer because someone didn't return my garbage can to the laundry room after three days of asking, pleading, threatening them to dump it in the outside can. This is a study on the absorbency of dryer lint...it's possible that all those lost socks weren't eaten by the dryer, just maybe, lint is powerful enough to actually absorb socks.This suspicious looking spill down the front of my fridge is not there because I don't wash down my fridge daily. No, this is a Nobel prize worthy trial on the possibility that three year olds can adversely effect gravity by making spilled chocolate milk run up a white fridge instead of down to a brown tile floor.And, for my favorite, laundry, this is not stacks and, stacks, of never ending laundry; no, cruel world, this is a highly scientific approach to seismic reinforcement for my, not up to earthquake safe, home. When the 'Big One' hits I will be safe buried under mounds of dirty laundry, which, being stacked to the ceilings, kept them from collapsing. All you efficient, well organized, fold it out of the dryer types out there will be neat little pancakes, buahhaha (evil mad scientist laugh). That' s my scientific theory and I'm sticking to it.

Good To Know

There is some really important information that falls under the category, 'Vital to know' these would be facts such as: Income taxes are due on April 15, or that smoking causes cancer, or, you can't have a gun in your diaper bag, or formula or finger nail clippers if you're going to fly. Other useful tidbits of information fall in the category of 'Good To Know', info in this category might include such items as; wash, rinse, condition, rinse, dry, style and that the word wholesome is meant to be tongue-in-cheek as a description of Hostess treats. It's been awhile since I did a family update; most of this information falls in the category 'Did I need to know that?' I'll do my best to categorize correctly.

Vital To Know:
When Adam gets mad enough to run away he's not headed off to join the circus or even over to Grandmas house, Adam is, "running away to the fridge". The smile is his automatic camera face, if you look closely there is a tantrum tear on his right cheek.
Jacob made Chamber Choir. This is the elite choir in his High School. The conversation went something like this.
Jacob: Chamber Choir tryouts are tonight after school so I'll call you when I need a ride home, (as he's getting out of the car at school one morning).
Mom: Are you ready? Have you prepared a number? Do you want us to come? Are your grades OK? (As he shuts the door and walks away shaking his head at my audacity in thinking that any of these questions might be relevant enough that he hadn't thought of them.)
Fade to after school that day.
Mom: Well how did it go? Did you make it? Were you nervous? What did the Choir Director say? When will...
Jacob: Mom, it went OK I guess. I'll tell you when I know more. (No expression or inflection)
A week and a half later.
Jacob: Did I mention that I made Chamber Choir? (as he waits for the traffic light to change).
Mom: Wow! Cool! That's Awesome Hon! When did you know?
Jacob: I dunno like a week or few days or something, I was gonna tell you guys but I guess I forgot.
Mom: Are you excited about it?
Jacob: Well Duh! (rolls eyes)
I thought this was Vital info, Jacob would probably not rank it so high, such a coooool teenager.
Good To Know:

My herb and veggie cleanse was interrupted by Benjamin's birthday mint brownies. It got me back on track though and I'm eating a little better.

When Adam tells you he wants a crapper, he's not looking for a redneck toilet. He wants a cracker. On the other hand Richard and I have added some fiber shakes to our diet, we affectionately call them poop shakes, when we ask for a crapper we mean any toilet and it would be best to evacuate the immediate area.

Benjamin advanced out of cub scouts with his Arrow of Light. He's also got straight A's

Did I Need to Know That:
Fish now has a name. Joseph decided we should call him Knuckles, why you ask, seeing as how fish have fins not fingers hence no knuckles? Joseph is into Sonic video games and having everything make sense. Knuckles is Sonics video game buddy. He looks like this:
Our Fish, Knuckles(formerly know as Fish) looks like this...makes sense to Joseph.All our other sons have called, when absolutely necessary to refer to them at all, my breasts boobs, or boobies. Adam refers to them as Squisheys...I like your Squisheys Mom, Can I play with your Squisheys Mom. "Mom, this is your mommy squishy and this is your dad squishey", at least he didn't call my belly the baby squishy (yes one of the girls is a little larger then the other, but, that's a topic for an entirely different blog). No forty-something women needs any part of her body called squishey even if it's true.

Yum! Lunch

Yep, time for my yearly cleanse, according to all the freako health nut stuff I read I should do a cleanse every season and eat a diet of nothing but raw fruits, nuts and veggies, supplemented by a little organic fish and chicken, oh, and whatever product they are promoting.

Yeah right!

Now don't get me wrong, I am all for a healthy eating I even plant a garden every year, which I weed by hand so I don't have to use icky chemicals, of course this particular garden spot is the dumping ground for what ever is left at the bottom of my Moms' Swimming pool after we drain the water out each spring so the avoiding chemicals thing may not be going that well; but, I just can't face the thought of never eating anything cooked again so that I can live an extra three or four years. Plus I can't get past my favorite foods being cooked, like that really crusty bread that is so good with cheese and wine, oops, I mean grape juice, now don't freak on me, I've never had wine, I save my acts of rebellion for coffee ice cream, and toe rings. I also struggle with how much work it is to eat really healthy, not to mention the expense.

Alas, the last few months have taken their annual toll and so... my yearly cleanse is a great jump start to semi-healthy eating until about Halloween when the challenge to eat enough food to make it through the hibernation takes over my sensibilities and I stalk, hunt and devour all the refined sugar and bleached, preservative laden flour I can get.

A cleanse consists of lots of juice and water mixed with fiber and many many herbal pills that get all the umm... gucky stuff (pretty sure thats the medical term for it) out of my body leaving it clean inside and out.

Wish me well, veggies run for your lives I'm eatin' healthy.

Girl Time

Guess what I did today?

Bear in mind that the last time I had Girl time I spent it running over fish in the parking lot at Wallmart; Ok, that was the second to last time that I had girl time last weekend I spent the night at a hotel with two girl friends, great fun, but of course forgot the camera (Maybe when I grow up I can be my friend Heather, she always brings the camera for cute girl time pictures).

This was fun because it was that spontaneous girl time that awesome husbands give you from time to time. We had a babysitter age child home from school today, so Richard took me to lunch in Salt Lake City and then sent me to get my nails done, all 20 of them. What a sweetie. Nothing like 20 French tips and a new toe ring to make you feel all cute and girlie. Thanks Babe!

Cussin'

We invited my Mom and Sister Jenny over for dinner the other night. We were all sitting around the table enjoying our hamburgers and hot dogs hot off the grill when Jacob told his younger Brother to shut the hell up, for the most part Shit, Damn, Hell and Ass, are ignored around our house we save our battles against bad words for the big ones; but, because Grandma was there Richard and I both got on his case and I told him to apologize to Grandma. Jacob was outraged, his teenage defense system went in to high alert at the hypocrisy of ignoring bad words unless someone like Grandma is around.

I, figuring it's my parental duty to teach him to watch his language around women, children, grandparents and clergy, tell him again to apologize to his Grandma. He ducks his head and offers his best attempt at a sincere teenager apology, "Sorry Grandma".
To which Grandma in all her silver haired wisdom replies, "What the hell for".

There you have it if my children cuss like sailors it's their Grandma's fault.