This is a letter I wrote to my Visiting Teacher, I felt prompted to share it here. To friends who are of a different denomination, I am happy to answer sincere questions. Visiting teachers are female members of our congregation who come to each sisters home monthly to share gospel discussion, to visit and, you know, be girls. Most of the sisters in our congregation are called as visiting teachers and in this way we love nurture and care for each other, it is a beautiful concept. Oh and we call each other brother and sister which is also a beautiful concept.
Dear Sister,
I wanted you to know I appreciate your
faithfulness and willingness to serve as my visiting teacher. As I sat
watching you Friday and watching your little Miriam who shakily stood
where you had placed her between stone hearth and the rockers of your
chair, in stocking feet, on a wood floor, within tiny arms reach of a
fragile tile proudly proclaiming the belief that we sacrifice our
children as missionaries to benefit others of Gods children, I
clearly saw what was about to happen. I felt calm and peace and a
little amusement as I watched beautiful Sarah climb and play
exuberantly in the Dog-Free-Zone of your lap while you fervently
expressed your thinly disguised concerns that I am too harsh and
unforgiving of individuals and a culture that proudly proclaim the
merits of Mormonism.
I remember sitting in a Relief Society
meeting many years ago with my own little child using my lap as a
jungle gym. My older son was in nursery, I had a five pound diaper
bag a four pound church bag, a heart full of determination to raise
sons who would happily learn each little LDS principal and then
boldly proclaim to all the world that they knew, “beyond a shadow
of doubt”, that this was God's true and living church and that the
culture, belief's, doctrines and power it taught were the one and
only way back into His presence. Then, Sister Carr shared
her experience with a son who chose to skip his mission to attend the
University of Utah and finish his schooling. As I listened with
growing anxiety she told of the struggle it was for her to let him
make his decisions and trust that he had followed the spirit ant made
the “best” decision for him. I was shocked, scared for her and
her son, a little angry and very, very resolved that no son of mine
would EVER make a decision that was so obviously wrong. I knew the
revelation about every worthy male serving a mission and I firmly
believed that it was lackadaisical parenting and shoddy living of
gospel truths that had led to this child's decision.
A few months later, again, during
Relief Society this same woman's fourteen year old daughter was asked
to read a beautifully written script about Mary's feelings upon
hearing she was chosen to be the mother of Christ. As she began the
room was filled with joy, her voice vibrated with tones of wonder,
awe, thrill and passion. Her face was lit with a glow of humble
faith and exquisite delight at the blessings and trials that would be
hers. I, we all, were moved to tears at the beauty of it. Some of my
tears were tears of repentance, this was not the daughter of
lackadaisical parents, this was a girl who was carefully taught the
majesty of the atonement, a daughter who truly proclaimed the one and
only way to the presence of God with all that she was.
Yes, I am harsh and find it difficult
to forgive that woman, the one who judged and condemned others for
their experiences, for where they were at in life and for what they
were learning. Sadly, I haven't come very far in actual practice
from those long ago condemnations and judgments. All to often I feel
like the baby standing shakily on a slippery floor, between a rocker
and a stone hearth. I know it is inevitable that the fragile, proudly
displayed beliefs of others will topple as I reach out my hand and
seek for the experiences and understanding that will bring the peace
and forgiveness I long to find. Friday, during your visit, I found a
measure of peace that, just as the tile didn't break when little
Miriam reached out and toppled it, I too can be forgiven when my
reaching knocks over another persons belief.
You see, that tile and it's message
were given to me by a sweet sister who said, “This was given to us
when our grandson left for his mission, it has served it's purpose in
our lives and we no longer need it, but, you are just beginning this
part of your life.” Our beliefs are not threatened or broken by
others or by looking at them from a different perspective. My
judgments of Sister Carr did not add to nor detract from her
experiences. I have become deeply thankful that she shared her
perspective even though at the time it was very different from my
own. We needn't fear sharing our beliefs, living them or proclaiming
them to the best of our ability in each moment of our lives. What we
must not do is cling to our beliefs and perspectives. In a Stake
Conference several years ago President Young pointed out that those
who clung to the rod of iron in Lehi's dream made it to the tree and
partook but ended up heads drooping, eyes cast down in shame. It is
only those who hold to the rod but keep moving that partake and
remain.
I remember gathering with family in one of the
sealing rooms at the Mount Timpanogos Temple, we were there to
witness my sisters wedding. The sealer recognized my mother, and
brothers as temple workers, he had known my father, a temple worker
for twenty-eight years and knew of his passing and so took some
extra time and taught us all a beautiful lesson. In the room were several beautiful windows designed to represent water. In a pattern through out each window were small. colored
squares of glass. The
sealer invited three different people sitting in three different
locations throughout the room to name the color they saw in the
particular square he pointed to. One saw blue, another believed the
color was purple, and the next proclaimed the color to be red. From
where I sat, I thought it looked pink and the sealer said he saw
violet. Each of us were looking at the same square of glass but our height and eye sight, our location in the room, the angle of light
coming in, and even our concept of color names made the square appear
differently colored to each individual viewing it. “And,” he
said, “each of them is correct.” “This is how truth works,”
he taught us, “Truth flows to us like the water these windows
symbolize, our perspective and view is as varied and changing as are
the colors we have each seen in this small square today.”
That day in a temple of God our sealer
drew a beautiful comparison to the ordinance of marriage. He taught
that as this young couple came together they would each bring
different but equally beautiful truths to their marriage, and that
each child and stage of life, each relationship and each experience would
add new perspectives, colors and understanding to their view. He
counseled each of us to view life and this beautiful gospel with open
eyes and hearts, and to delight in the change and play of the color. He
gently cautioned us that if we viewed one little square of glass
determined the color then closed our eyes and stubbornly clung to
that truth only, we were damned. Lastly he drew our attention to the
whole window and reminded us that there were in that single window
many colored squares, that were part of a window, that in the room
were several windows, that each window was set in a slightly different
location,, could be viewed from many different locations and that
the number of possible angles both of viewing and penetration of
light and times of day and seasons created infinite and eternal
perspectives that were always dancing and flowing like the living
water the windows represented.
As we wander through the mists of life
we may wonder at the wisdom of a father placing his children in such
a seemingly harsh and dangerous environment with so many possible
ways to become lost and confused. I know that he observes us with
deep peace and love. He well knows what will happen next, that the
beliefs doctrines and knowledge we cling to will fall and possibly
break, He knows, despite our shaky stance and the inevitable bumps
and bruises, that we are in a safe environment and that he is nearby
and will not leave us comfortless. Our wise father doesn't baby
proof our environment, he doesn't group us in careful little viewing
areas based on our height and visual acuity and understanding of
color; in fact, He doesn't place us at all, we do. Our loving father
thrums with the exquisite joy of the blessings and trials that will
be ours.
Dear Sister, I thank you again for your
faithful service as my visiting teacher, for your concerns and fears
and even a little anger at my perspective. As I watch your sincerity
and earnestness I find forgiveness and gentleness for the woman I was
many years ago and more importantly for each of us as our childish
hands touch the fragile beliefs of others. “We are each correct!”
Our perspectives and visions are sweet and pure, they are Godly. I
appreciated the scripture you shared from Doctrine and Covenants Section 1. I took
the time to read the entire section and to ponder the meaning. I was
struck again by God's answer to those who,”walk in their own way
after the image of their own God, whose image is in the likeness of
the world”. The answer was, “To call on His servant Joseph Smith
from heaven and to give him commandments”. We each must look to
Father and seek our commandments from Him. I am thankful to be a
member of the Church of Jesus Christ, to know that I am a child of
God and to know that he is, “No respecter of persons.” I
understand that I can and must with the wisdom of Eve, Abraham and
Moses, in the pattern of Samuel, Ruth and Nephi, with the
faithfulness of Mary and Joseph and the patience of Anna and Simeon,
seek to know God and to recognize Christ and the light that
illuminates my little square of uniquely colored glass.
I claim the gift of agency given to
each of us in the garden of Eden and thank you for teaching me
greater love towards each of my brothers and sisters, which love God
requires as a token of our accepting that gift. For one glorious day
we will each realize we are part of a window, which is but one window
in a temple, created from the elements of mortality. A filled with and
surrounded by light and dark, water and land, heat and cold, joy and
sorrow, sacrifice and blessing, beginnings and endings, eternities
and singularities. That we are members of a true and living church
and that we have been called to share our peace and joy with all who
seek and that they also are called and chosen of God and may receive their
truth, I bear testimony,
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
With love,
Susan Smith
