Thursday, January 31, 2008

Super Hero Angst

Joseph, like most five year old boys, lives in a world of super heroes, at any given moment he may be Superman, Batman or Spiderman, he may be saving the world from bad guys or honing his super hero skills by running at supersonic speed from one end of the house to another. He is able to pick up cars, trains even toy tool benches with little effort; putting them back where he got them is still beyond his super powers that requires Supermom skills not Superman skills, but, you should see him climb the rock walls around the fireplace, amazing.

We all know that superhero's have a tortured past; some painful dark event that enhanced an awareness of their human vulnerability yet inspired the awareness and pursuit of their super-nature. I have been watching Joseph wondering what his pivotal moment might be.

Joseph loves to wear the costumes of his favorite heroes, most mornings he wakes up, get dressed, eats breakfast and puts on the costume of the day; unfortunately he is still forced to seek Mom's help to get in and out of most costumes. One day I heard Joseph running at super speed up the basement stairs, down the hall, through the kitchen, halfway down the grandpa room stairs where he tripped, skinned his elbow and knee, peed his pants and burst into tears.

Oh the humanity, foiled in the height of super growth by a villainous zipper in the back of his super suit. Will this dark moment dampen his heroic aspirations or lead him to greater heights of superness? The world must wait,wait with his anxious parents for the answer.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Tribal Markings

Last night when I called the boys up for dinner Adam and Joseph proudly showed me their legs hands and feet. Here are a few pictures.

Adam: Momma, look. (as he holds out his hands, legs and feet while sitting up to the bar and over hot pans and bowls of food ready to eat)

Mom: Where's the marker, what else did you write on?

Joseph: Mom I put the marker away and we only wrote on each other. (as he gives me a, how stupid do you think we are, look)

Mom: Why did you write on each other?

Joseph: We are playing a game.

Adam: I'm the Daddy tiger.

Joseph: No, Adam you're the Boy tiger, I'm the Dad tiger.

Adam: I'm hungry, I want rice!

Joseph: I'm only eating meat, tigers eat meat.

Adam: Tigers eat rice.

Mom: Sigh!

What's up with war paint, tribal markings? I have this picture in my head of how it all started; two little cave boys rushing into their cave momma and covered in mud stripes. They proudly hold their little appendages up for her to see, dangling them over the hot, steaming mammoth roast that's ready to eat.

Cave Momma: arghmph, what you mud?

Cave Boys: huhmph, mud good, saber tooths. (as they proudly point to their chests.)

Cave Momma: Whatmph?

Cave Boys : Tiger, kill, mammoth. (as they use their muddy hands to draw on the walls of the cave.

I bet Cave Momma told them they had to clean the mud off the walls which would be why, today, we have hieroglyphs, and scrubbing sponges, and Prozac.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


I loved President Hinkley his, vision, his humor, his love. My favorite part of his teachings are the Be's, be clean, be grateful, be humble, be true, be smart, be involved, be positive, be prayerful, be still.

I loved that with President Hinkley it was all about being, not doing, yes, he was a doer the beauty of President Hinkley is that everything that he did sprang out of what he was. He was not afraid to be, from the stillness of being springs gratitude, humility, your truth, intelligence, joy, service, and the awareness of prayer.

I love that he lived so well, he was so much his spirit, that his death was a peaceful shifting from this form to another. May I live my life as fully and peacefully. May I be all that I am.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Empty Threats

One of the great joys of parenting is empty threats. Although Super Nanny and a plethora of Ivy League child development specialists tell us, in superior voices, that empty threats ultimately undermine parental ability to affect childhood behavior; I say, in a very practical, cause I'm freakin' livin' childhood development with MY kids, voice, that empty threats have their advantages. Empty threats are fun, they give you a chance to calm down and distract the little dears from their current behavior, they help you laugh at yourself, they teach children the difference between fact and fiction, empty threats encourage creative thinking and help children see that they may be being just a bit dramatic about life.

Ok, before you go all DCFS on me, let me assure you that I have deep respect for Childhood experts and I know that empty threats destroy little psyches and border on abuse and I would never realllly use an empty threat, but if I did here are a few of my favorites.

Moms to children:

I brought you in to this world and I can take you out.( Not if taking them out feels anything like bringing them in.)

I'm going to heat that food up and serve it to you for every meal until you eat it. (Isn't that called leftovers?)

If you don't eat your dinner you won't get desert. (They know I wilt after three whines.)

If you don't pick up your toys I'm going to throw them all away. (Yeah, Right I paid for the dang things.)

If you don't change that attitude I'll change it for you. (This is my favorite, until they start asking what an attitude is)

If you won't be quiet I'm going to tape your mouth shut. ( Doesn't work, I've tried it.)

If you hurt yourself I'm going to spank you. (This little gem is my Mom's)

Dad to kids.

If you don't knock it off I'm gonna stop this car and leave you on the side of the road.(But Daddy, just this morning you called me your little tax break)

Do you want we to break my foot off in your arse?(This is gonna hurt me more then it'll hurt you, might actually apply in this case)

I'm gonna blister your butt. (Is it possible to actually raise blisters?)

Do you want your balls cut off?(Umm, no)

If I find one of those lying around I'm going to stuff it in an orifice you don't want me messin' with. ( Gross.)

OK, so what are some of your favorites? Leave me a comment and I'll post it on my blog.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Fortune Cookie

This Morning when Miah came up to get breakfast the first words out of his mouth were, "Do I have to go to school today?"
I countered with my best psycho babble bull s*** answer, "Miah, if you feel your best interests would be served today by staying home, then stay home, it's your decision."
To which he replied, "Mom, I hate it when you go all fortune cookie on me."
I got a good laugh out of his response as I often do with Miah, he's a funny kid; and, he decided it was in his best interest to go to school.

I guess I didn't get the whole fortune cookie thing out of my system because I've decided to share some thoughts this morning.

January is a tough month, I am supposed to set goals, why, because society expects it. After all, how can I be a card carrying member of western/Christian society if I don't have my January goals listed and tucked away in gloomy anticipation of their demise in February or March. If I don't set goals I won't accomplish anything right? Besides, I am a child of God he expects me to set goals. These ideas have led me to consistently sit down and write out my little list of goals for years; only to spend January in misery feeling like a sinner a failure, and an undeserving child of God.

What are goals and why do I get guilted in to setting them and guilty when I don't achieve them?
I have come to define goals as a want list, I want to lose 50 lbs., I want to keep up with the laundry, I want to be out of debt. feelings of want are a normal healthy part of being alive, if I didn't want food I would starve to death, you get the idea, wanting is not bad, wanting just is. The problem with wanting lies in thinking that happiness comes from attaining our wants, or that wanting a bigger house or more money or to be thinner makes me less than someone who has or is those things. As a Christian I've been taught to set goals/wants because I will get whatever I set my heart and mind on; therein lies the worst problem with goals/wants; as I say repeatedly in my head I want, I want I want... I get the desires of my heart and mind, I get a state of want. This has worked really well for me most of my life and I'm sure it's working equally well for most of you. The problem is compounded by the Christian falselosophy that goals are acceptable but wanting is bad, I should just be content with what God has given me right, but make sure you set those goals, no wonder I need chocolate. Oh no, I'm eating chocolate I have a goal/want to be 50 lbs. thinner I'm a sinner I don't deserve to be thin.

That brings me to my point, the word, deserve, what a beautiful word, it implies that something has been earned that it is a rightful reward of having put forth the effort to become the thing I aspired to. Imagine the results of my goals if I deserved to lose 50 lbs., or deserved to have the laundry done, or deserved to be debt free? I think my children deserve to have plenty of food, and clothing, a comfortable living environment an education, play time, chores, and love and forgiveness as they learn. As a child of a loving Father in Heaven I deserve to receive the wants of my heart. I deserve to be 50 lbs thinner and to have every other desire of my heart. I have spent many years perfecting the art of creating a state of want it will require effort to create a state of deserving, but, I do deserve, I am a child of God.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Family Tradition

Family Traditions
Hank Williams Jr.

Don't ask me Hank
why do you drink?
(Hank) why do you roll smoke?
Why must you live out the songs that you wrote?
If I'm down in a Honky-Tonk
Some ol' slicks tryin to give me corrections
I'll say leave me alone
I'm singin all night long
it's a family tradition

I come from a deer huntin' family. Every year my Dad went out with my brothers to get their deer. If, heaven forbid, they got one, we girls had to hide out in our rooms as my Mom and Dad, egads, I lie not, butchered it on the kitchen counter. It's a miracle I've never been to a therapist.

I married in to a family that hunts deer, with their cars. My Father in law has hit at least 4 ' ittle Bambi's since I've been in the family and my poor brother in law Aaron who, as car huntin' fate would have it, worked up the canyon at a golf course during his younger life, has successfully bagged at least three.

The deer huntin' with your car tradition seemed to have skipped my husband, we were only too happy to let it go in either form; but, alas Smith genes are true to their heritage, Jacob got a deer driving his brothers home from the temple Saturday night. The boys were pretty freaked out, that was just not the way to end Jeremiah's first trip to the temple. They kept their heads and made it home with only two panicky phone calls, one from them to us, one from us to them. Amazingly they didn't even scratch the Suburban, I guess deer huntin' in any form is safer in a 3/4 ton, four wheel drive vehicle.

Family Traditions
Susin' Smith Jr.

Don't ask us Smiths
Why do you drive?
(Smiths)Why don't you slow down?
Why must you aim for those big ole' eyes of brown?
If I'm behind the wheel
If I revin' the engine.
I'll say leave me alone
I'm huntin' with my car,
It's a family tradition.

Hank Williams and really bad knock off versions of songs are also a sad little Family Tradition, our poor kids.

Gotta love it.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Happy MLK Day

On Friday morning Richard and I were cuddling in bed with Isaac. After a few minutes of pleasant snuggles he started in on his morning complaining and whining that he didn't want to go to school. We reminded him that today was Friday and that after school today he didn't have to go to school for two whole days. He thought about it for a minute then got really excited and told us that he didn't have to go to school on Monday so it would be three whole days and that he knew why Monday was not a school day.

Mom: Why don't you have school on Monday?
Isaac: Because there was this King.
Mom: A King? What was he king of?
Isaac: Umm...I think a state...yeah, he was the king of some state and he held up a lot of signs and some other people held up signs.
Mom: So what were the signs for?
Isaac: Oh, uh...because the brown people went to school and the white people went to school but they held up signs so now we don't have to be sep...separ... separate any more. Cool huh?
Mom: So what happened to the King?
Isaac: Oh, he just went back into his castle or something.

Happy King of Some State Day!

Friday, January 18, 2008

Safety Alert

This email was forwarded to me from my husband’s cousin.

I hope she doesn’t know the original sender.

While I agree that we all need to be aware of the obvious when it comes to safety; I get tired of all the paranoid freak you out emails that seemed to have gained a life of their own in cyberspace. So here is my lame-assed attempt to make a rapesafe refresher course humorous.

Disclaimer: The information and said humorous/witty asides do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the Smith family, its members, partners, or wholly owned subsidiaries. The reader assumes all responsibility. Proceed at your own risk.

This is important information for females of all ages.

Please read it to your 3 year old daughters.
When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends, but I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this information is too important to miss someone.

Is it just me or does this guy seem a little suspicious?

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:
That explains it…I wonder if he sent the email before or after he finished his prison sentence?

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.
That settles it I’m dying my hair Lime Green cutting it down to a nice 1 ½ inch length and spiking it with super glue.
2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly.
Great I’m going to have to start wearing undies.
3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard and can be easily overpowered.
Like digging through the grocery bags to find the treats she plans to eat all by herself in the car on the way home.
4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00a.m. and 8:30a.m.
I’m sleeping in until 12:30 p.m. every day, just to be safe
5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.

Grocery store, why, why, how could anything bad ever happen at the grocery store.

Office Parking Garage, like I would ever be by myself at any place as nice as an office with a parking garage.

Public restroom, since I have to start wearing clothing that’s difficult to get out of and have had 7 kids…I’ll just be going in my panties thanks.
6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.
“I’ve, got her, Scotty, Beam, me up!”

“I can’t get a lock on ya Jim.”

“I’m, gonna, lose her, Scotty. Transport, now!”

“Dammit, Jim, I’m not a miracle worker.’
7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.
Who knew rapists thought about their future?
8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.
Well Duh! Every three year old has mastered this technique, throwing a temper tantrum works.
9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.
Would a big, red, plastic, Fat Bat work?

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: 'I can't believe it is so cold out here.’ Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.
Or go on and on about each of your child birth experiences, nothing turns a man off faster.
11.) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back .
So why doesn’t this work when I’m dressed up and a sticky handed, dirty faced two year old man is coming towards me?

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.
Pepper Spray? I dunno, I think about how many times I have sprayed myself in the eye with a can of hair spray when I’m stressed out because I’m late for church… No, I don’t think so.
13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY, VERY HARD . One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches.
So that’s why Moms everywhere teach their sons that pinching is only for girls.

14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble and he's out of there.

This also works well for pig headed principals, know-it-all Doctors or annoying men types everywhere.
15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
ohh! That sound just totally freaks me out, No Way!
16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!
You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

My Momma taught me, All Guys were trouble!

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
Wait; is that the bendy thing on my legs or the bendy thing my arms?

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
My teenagers are way more interested in my purse then in me…Is the New Orleans tour guide an expert on teenagers as well?

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

Alas, one more reason we can’t haul our kidlets around in the trunk.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
I’ve got 7 kids, quiet and privacy matter to me, a lot, if I am so desperate for a little quiet time that I’m taking it in my car in the parking lot at the grocery store and some guy tries to interrupt me for sex…I pity da fool!

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

Try to total it then you can get a new car in the bargain.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.

If a someone climbed in my car amongst the sippy cups of sour milk, fruit snack wrappers, assortment of toys, dirty diapers, dried up chicken nuggets and french fries and still thinks I’m worth the wait in the hopes he’ll get sex…he’s probably my husband.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

Mothers with many annoying children drive vans as well; they must be avoided at all costs.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

One day I was out shopping with a friend, I sat in the parking lot in my maroon Suburban with all our kiddos waiting while she ran an errand. Facing me a couple aisles closer to the store was a man sitting in his maroon Suburban with his kiddos waiting for someone…Yeah, you guessed it, as I watched, Suzie came out walked to the passenger side of the guys Suburban and climbed in and started yakking. The poor guy never said a word Suzie looked at him started laughing to hard to say anything and climbed back out. If I see a man sitting alone in a car by mine I’ll just climb on in and laugh my ass off.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
Hey, who are all these men in my house? Why do they wait for me in the car? Why is one of them winking at me then looking towards the bedroom…? Sorry just a little paranoid.

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

Stairs also tend to leave you out of breath when you’re still carrying that extra 50lbs from the last baby, a Fat Bat, and pepper spray, rehearsing your birthing stories, wearing lots of difficult clothing, and digging through your purse for a treat you can eat in privacy on the way home.

7. If the predator has a gun you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zigzag pattern!

I believe this, no matter how mad I am I can only hit a zigzagging toddler with a ketchup covered Dora figurine 4 in 100 times.

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
After all good looking well educated men don’t need sympathy. Grab that cane and beat him to death sisters.

9. Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes. DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This should be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

You’re only allowed to notice other peoples crying babies when you’re shopping, without your kids, at Wallmart.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

This guy has so, done time.

I hope you have a smile on your face, a fat bat in your purse short greasy hair, really difficult to remove clothing and the assurance that neither your Husband nor any other slime ball on the planet will ever be able to fulfill your secret rape fantasies.

Oh whatever, I know I’m not the only one.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Internet Analysis

This is just so totally me wouldn't you all agree? I also found out I am a blue crayon and a chocolate chip cookie. I just love internet analysis.

What Susan Means

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

January Stuff

This is all the exciting stuff we do in January.

Jacob and Josh go to the gym at 6:00 am, that is very early, very, very, early. Teenagers are much less concerned about revealing their true personalities, really bad accents, very loud and goofy music(Blue Oyster Cult, Godzilla), not so nice language, crude comments, suspicious sounds followed by horrible smells, to Mom type figures who may be semi-comatose and freezing in the back seat. Fortunately, for them, freezing, semi-comatose, Mom types are punchy enough think it's funny, kinda like watching a really bad comedy, really late at night (only this is real life and, did I mention, it's really early in the morning...).

Jeremiah makes funny comments with a poker face, "Mom, they called and moved my Temple recommend interview from 7:00 to 8:40, the bishop had a party thing, which I guess is more important then the temple, so can you still take me?"
Or he tells funny stories with a quirky little laugh.
Jeremiah: So I had this dream that I went to Disneyland with Ben, Tommy, Hanna, the Baileys and the Bishop. I said, hey Ben did you duel the Bishop and Ben said, "No, the Bishop said that he would bring a handful of Yu-gi-oh cards and he didn't."
Mom: Was that the whole dream?
Jeremiah: No, I could go on and on... but I don't think I will.

Benjamin does lots and lots of homework. His teacher is driving us crazy with all the homework,
if you looked up homework in the dictionary, there she'd be. He gets math and spelling every night, he is supposed to read 30 minutes every night and this includes weekends. I think I am going to send her a homework assignment: Describe in 200 words how to fix dinner for a family of nine get them to all their various activities, keep a house clean and teach a 5th grader how to describe the plot, give an example of characterization, and summarize the main points of a book you have not read. Show your work. Oh, and I'd like it handed in by 6:00 am Monday morning so I'll have something to read at the gym.

Isaac won't get up, won't get dressed, doesn't want breakfast, gets his feelings hurt, runs to his room, doesn't want to go to school, ignores empty threats, won't go to school, gets hugs, hates going to school, gets begged, still won't go, Dad gets involved, stomps to the car, walks 1 iph going in to the school. Bounces out of the school, talks non-stop about school, says he loves his teacher, says he loves school, eats a snack, plays with his friends, loves to do his homework, goes to bed.

Joseph wears hats, wants sun glasses, spikes his hair, eats lettuce like an apple.

Adam, feeds the fish, tells everyone not to say bad words like shut-up and stupid and idiot, has no idea that sh**, a**h***, or f***, are considered bad words.

Mom, goes to the gym, laughs at teenage boys, loves funny stories and dry humor, helps with homework, pleads, cajoles, threatens, begs, grumpy kids to go to school, picks up happy kids, loves hats and spikes on her Joseph bunny, cleans fish bowls and tries not to say bad words.

Dad takes over and sends Mom off to the gym and Wallmart, loves, listens, encourages, yells, provides, and laughs.

Saturday, January 12, 2008


Richard told me he'd watch the two littlest on Friday so I could have a few hours to myself.

I started at the Doctors office because I have been fighting a UTI. I love my Doctor he rarely gets the whole, superior know it all Cuz' I'm a Doctor thing going; but, today he asked me about my pain, in my interpretation of Doctor language this is like saying to me, your pee doesn't have much bacteria in it are you sure you're sick because I'm thinkin' you may have just decided my office was a really fun place to hang out for your Friday afternoon get away, that I am your new best friend and you have nothing better to do with your day then have me poke you in the kidneys, make you pee all over your hand trying to aim into a pixie size dixie cup, and charge you $100.00 bucks.
I gave him my best, do I look like I've made it to 40 something and can't tell when I've got a UTI look, and asked, "have you ever had a UTI?"
He thinks for a minute and says, "No I can't say that I ever have".
I said "Well with a UTI there is a point as your bladder empties that you start yelling the worst 'bad words' you know and my children don't need Mom adding to their 'bad word' vocabulary". He laughed and said, "I've heard it can cause Turrets Syndrome".
We both got a good laugh over that and he sent me on my way with a Rx.

Next I headed to 'Take Your Screaming Child Shopping Day' at Walmart. I hoped to get my Rx filled and find everything on my shopping list. It was an odds and ends list:

Two gym bags
14 boxes of Mac-n-Cheese
Yearly planner

I stood watching the pharmacy tech type s-l-o-w-e-r t-h-a-n a t-u-r-t-l-e and realized that I would be standing waiting longer then I had planned to spend in the store so I gave up on the Rx and went to find my odds and ends.

Lotion aisle, father and son trying to find just the right mouthwash. They were blocking the whole aisle and the dad kept calling his son "Bubba" I found this amusing because I think of "Bubba" as a nickname for an under 3 year old or a big ole' red neck. This kid was a skinny, trying to be cool, 13 year old.

Gym bags, not in sporting goods, after 15 minuets of playing hide and seek with with the luggage section I found two gym bags for a good price.

Pens and a Planner easy to find but I got distracted by the nearby Valentines Aisle and ended up buying a bunch of candy and sprinkles for the Primary Activity Day we are planning for February. Primary activities is why I need the pens and planner in the first place.

14 boxes of Mac n Cheese, I didn't exactly need 14 boxes, but, Joseph had asked for frozen mac n cheese, it was 14 cents cheaper then I usually pay and I didn't want to cook dinner before Richard took me on our Friday date so...

On the way to the check stand I found a cute shirt for the gym, cool.

I got in the self checkout line, why are Walmart lines sooo long? The lady ahead of me was going nuts she was talking a hundred miles an hour on her cell phone, fidgeting, eying the number of items in the carts ahead of us and rolling her eyes in exasperation at everyone else checkout speed. at one point she left to see if she could find a shorter line and then came back expecting her spot back. I shouldn't have let her back in but she was making me laugh because she was so stressed out.

I hope that the people in line behind me got a good laugh watching me individually scan 14 boxes of Mac N Cheese and 10 bags of valentines candy. I've decided self checkout is self-delusional way to speed-up checkout lines.

Out in the parking lot I realized that I was walking an aisle away from where I had parked so I tried to cut across slushy snow and ice in between parked cars. Shopping carts do not do well on snow and ice! My cart kept getting stuck trying to go over things as small as a paper or leaf frozen in the snow. I was just about through when I got really stuck, I couldn't push past or around whatever was in the way. I flipped the front end of the cart up in a wheelie and cleared the obstacle with the front wheel only to have the back wheel get stuck on it. I lifted the rear wheel over the obstacle and looked down to see what it was. It was a fish, that's right an eight inch raw fish stuck in the slush in Walmart's parking lot.

I just won't speculate on how a fish ended up in the Walmart parking lot but I ask you... Who goes to the doctor, shops for odds-and-ends and runs over a fish with a shopping cart in the Walmart parking lot on a, 'take a few hours for yourself,' Friday?

A Mom!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Like Mother, Like Son

Anyone who knows me, knows, I'd rather do anything outside than be stuck in the house. So, even though I have 7 very willing, strong sons, I do things like mow my lawn and my moms and the neighbors and I actually like to shovel snowy walks . I'm outside doing something as often as possible and I wave at all the ward members and neighbors as they go back and forth.

A brother in our ward seems to think that embarrassing people will help them do better in the future. One day in a ward council meeting he talked about his calling then ended his comments by saying, " Not to embarrass Sister Smith but..." then he went off for several minutes on how the primary had lost a nursery child.

His grandchild was visiting our ward and had been dropped off at nursery, It was a very busy day, with lots of extra kids, not enough teachers and this little one didn't want to be in nursery, he watched for the chance to slip out and then wandered around the building crying. A sister from another ward found him took him to Priesthood where the Bishopric said he wasn't from our ward and they couldn't think of any visitors. Finally the sister took him to Relief Society where his Mom and Grandma were, they were understandably concerned, the nursery teachers felt really bad and apologized to the Mom . I found out about it after church and went and talked to the bishopric and let them know what had happened (they already knew because they felt like they were part of the problem) I also reminded them that we needed more nursery staff, which we had by the next week.

So this brother airs his concerns, the whole room got that uncomfortable feeling, the Bishop doesn't even give me a chance to defend or explain he takes the blame and moves on. When it's my turn to talk about Primary I bring up one or two upcoming events ask a question and say, " That's all I have, Oh, except we lost a child from nursery a couple weeks ago and are very concerned about that." The room erupts in laughter and the sister sitting next to me says, under her breath, "that was funny!"

Last Saturday it snowed, the boys went out and shoveled our walks but didn't think to do their Grandma across the street. Grandma came over to get something around 1:30p.m. The boys were watching a movie so I visited with my Mom and then walked her out the door; I noticed that her walks needed done so I grabbed a shovel and went over. As I was shoveling the afore mentioned brother drives up, stops to visit at the house next door, then, as he's driving off, he stops and tells me he's going to give my boys a hard time for making their Mom shovel their Grandma's walks, I just laughed and waved, I didn't think he was serious.

The next day in Priesthood meeting he asked Jacob, Joshua and Jeremiah to stand up in front of the whole group, then went on and on about what a good job their Mom did shoveling their Grandmas walks. Josh was mad, Miah felt stupid and Jacob said, " Yeah, she's really good at shoveling walks, you should see her mow lawns!" The whole room erupted with laughter. Poor fella, did he forget who's sons he was trying to embarrass?

Wednesday, January 9, 2008


We have had a lot of snow lately so I have a couple of funny snow stories to share. Today when Jacob Josh and I drove to the gym there was so much snow and it was so slick that we spun out four or five times and it took fifteen minutes to go the little over a mile distance. When I dropped the boys off at school and returned home I parked on the street so that I could shovel the driveway then take the other boys. At 9:00 we went out to get Miah and Ben to school and I was stuck. I tried to gun it and get out, I dug around the tires but there was a sheet of ice under the snow so I couldn't get any traction.

The little old guy across the street had come out to see how much snow there was and offered to drive the car out of the snow for me. He impressed me I must admit he gave it some gas and, in one try, spun and slid out of the gutter and on to the street. He jumped out and told me to give it some power and then stood behind the car to push if I needed a little extra momentum.

I gave it some gas and slid around a little, gave it a lot of gas and peeled out. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw my poor little old neighbor covered with snow, my rear tires had shot out snow as they spun looking for traction and he was right behind the tire. He was covered I mean covered and he had this stunned look on his face that was so tragic it made me...laugh. Yes, I didn't stop to help or brush him off, I couldn't, I was laughing too hard. Miah and Ben wanted to know why I was laughing, I calmed down enough to tell them and when they said, "it's not funny Mom" it made me laugh even harder. Who knew I was such a sadist?

I came home and began shoveling, my neighbor came out and began working with his snow blower he kept his distance for about an hour then helped me clear off the last of my Mom's driveway and told me I should go in because my hair was wet. I didn't dare try to apologize I couldn't risk laughing again.

Well the kids are destroying the house so I'd better finish this later.

Monday, January 7, 2008

New Years Evolutions

I have spent most of my life planning for what kind of person I'd be and what kind of things I'd do when I was better at this or that, when I lost some weight etc. . So I have an evolutionary resolution. Be, act, live as I want to be when I have attained all my goals and the being will take care of the doing.

Saturday, January 5, 2008


I have discovered some really well written, funny blogs out there. It's so fun to lose myself in someone else's eerily similar life for a few min...hours. I've noticed that many of you have really great nicknames for all the members of your family. This, I am learning is for their protection from would be creepy persons and, I suppose, anonymity(the word processor and I just about came to blows over this word) when you become rich and famous. Seriously some of your blogs are so creative, well done, and funny.

I was trying to think of really great nicknames for my kids, something that expresses their unique personality in a funny yet memorable way; not, that I would be any more likely to get their nickname right then I am their given name. So here goes, creative nicknames for my children.

Jacob: Motherload, he frequently informs us that he is more of a parent to his younger siblings then we are, and that he spends more time with them then we do. He backs up everything we try to teach them with an all knowing comment(which his brothers really appreciate, not).

Joshua: Inspector Gadget, this child has wanted to be an inventor/engineer since he was 2. He could write a book on 101 hundred, parent disapproved, uses for a roll of duct tape and all the wood, old boxes, and scrap metal in your neighborhood.

Jeremiah: Bi Polar, this kid is the joy of everyone he meets, great athlete, yet humble, serious with a killer sense of humor, efficient, organized, on time. But, try being 15 minutes late getting him a meal or alter his schedule slightly...

Benjamin:Saint, The other day he comes in and tells me that if you sit quietly in a tree for a long time, that birds will come and talk to you, he was serious and I believed him. We actually praise him for being a little bad from time to time.

Isaac: Player, what can I say, the boy has everyone in the neighborhood wrapped around a finger. He can talk his way into or out of anything. And his smile...

Joseph: Super Hero, serious, determined to be the best at everything. We're going to have to work on the whole alter ego thing though.

Adam: What The..., when ever Adam discovers something new you'll hear him say at the top of his lungs, WHAT THE...he rarely adds the heck on the end, although he proved yesterday that he knows at least one alternative ending to the phrase(a really bad one, sigh). Nearly every time we come across Adam, doing what Adam does, we yell, WHAT THE...

So there you have it my children's new super secret nicknames, or I could just go with what I usually call them jakejoshmiahbenjoeisaaadamargh, or, you little sh...weetheart.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Bathroom Fun

I'm sleepy and punchy and on a, trying to eat the last of the Christmas treats so I can lose that last 50 lbs by January 31st, high.

The only interesting, or not, things that have happened in the last 3 days are:

Adam has begun his transformation into a Smurf.

Joseph has become so skilled at styling his own hair that he has begun styling Adams hair. Love that gel, thanks Santa.

The Fish is still alive.

Mom has emerged from the bathroom alive and well. (No, No, No, I am not pregnant, but 4 of my eleven siblings, or their wives, are)

The Primary Manuals are out.

Bed head is alive and well(nice strategic hand placement Adam).

I thought of a really great New Years Resolution post but am too punchy to post it, maybe tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Holy Cow

On the 31st Richards wakes up and says, "I Want to make a roast with carrots and potatoes around it". I, recovering from two days of the stomach flu, am willing to agree to anything that someone else will make.

Richard leaves to work for part of the day so all I have to do is get a roast and toss it in the oven. Not usually a big deal for me. By noon I'm still in a robe shoving handfuls of cheese popcorn into my face to quell the waves of nausea (no, I'm not pregnant, Oh this has been a fun three days). So I concoct a nauseatingly brilliant plan, I'll send Jacob and Joshua to the store for the roast and some carrots before they go to their afternoon video party with a friend.

I round up the boys and give them forty dollars, and instructions, "Go to the store, get a roast and a bag of carrots."
Boys: Mom what kind of roast, be specific, we don't want to get it wrong? (To them trips to the store are a chance to reach into past lives and become native hunter/gatherers).
Mom: Get a couple of rump roasts. Do not get a pot roast! (Pot roasts make me ill on a good day)
Boys: How much roast? We want to know exactly how much. (As they sharpen their spears)
Mom: Um, two roasts is about, I dunno (through a mouth full of cheesy popcorn) 10 lbs? And don't forget the carrots.
Boys: 10 lbs of rump roast, rump roast, rump roast and carrots. (They utter their ancient chant as they set off, fierce hunter/gatherers, to secure meat for their cave momma)
Cave Momma: Turns green, runs to the bathroom.

I figure, with the specific instructions and the simplicity of the task, they will be back in fifteen minutes and off to their video party. 40 minutes later I rouse myself, from stomach flu self pity, to a little concern, their friend calls to see where they are. I ask if he will go look for them if they aren't back in fifteen minutes.

Fifteen minutes later the car pulls in, my hunters are back thank heavens! I call off the search party. The hunt was successful, they have found the beast, ascertained its weakness, stalked, slew, and selected the choicest cut, loaded it in their Suburban pack horse and returned, triumphant! As with all ancient warriors they first have to tell the tale, they triumphantly slap the roast on the cupboard, I can't take my blurry eyes off the impressive kill (I should have paid a little more attention during weights and measures).

The tale begins, "Mom, we had to go to Macy's, Harmon's was out of rump roasts." They are beaming with their ingenuity and skill.
"We looked and looked, we couldn't find one bigger then 3 or 4 lbs. So, we asked the butcher lady." Ha, they enlisted an expert, a semi-hot female no less.
She said, "Boys, lets go cut you one." She was a cunning choice.
"It's fresh Mom. It cost $41.29 We had to use our own money to buy the carrots and pay taxes." They are breathless with the mastery of it all.

Tale told, testosterone fix secured , they are off to their video party and I am left to my cheesy popcorn and trying to find a pan that will accommodate the beast.

Seasoned, and browned waiting for potatoes and carrots. This is not the 11x13 Pyrex. It's the bigger one(I'm really going to have to figure out this measurements thing). At this point we invited one family over to dinner, after we got the veggies around it we called another family.

This is our New Years Eve feast, out of the oven and ready to eat. Our friends the Baileys with their 2 children came over, my brother, John, his wife and 6 children and we still had leftovers. After dinner we had a Wii bowling tournament, visited and passed around some non-alcoholic bubbly and saw in the New Year.

Hanna, showing all the excitement of our New Year's Celebration.

The aftermath. This is what happens when you leave families home alone for New Years Eve.
The next morning we looked around to see who was still here and where they had slept.

Isaac, couch in the Grandpa Room.

Jeremiah, couch in the Grandpa room.

Benjamin, couch in the living room. Their cousin Sam slept somewhere in one of these rooms.

Dad, Mom, Joseph and Adam in Mom and Dads bed, as usual.

Jacob and Joshua slept at Austin's, came home at 10:30 am looking very much like modern teenagers instead of the fierce roast hunters they proved themselves to be.

Happy New Years to all!

Our Family

Our Family