Saturday, August 28, 2010

Football Hostage Update

I was able to sneak this letter out...

The tortures are terrible I'm being asked to do unspeakable things. Like figure out how to get three boys and one Adorable Hubby to three different practices at three different locations at the same time. With one car.

Tonight they violated the Geneva convention by strapping me to a metal stadium bench and dumping gallons of rain water over my hair, in my face, down my shirt and pants while electrical currents flashed overhead. Finally when I was thoroughly soaked the wind machines were turned on and the temperature was dropped 20 degrees. Human Rights Advocates grab your poster boards somebody needs to protest.

There have been demeaning questions, "Why did you let #5 take my water bottle I filled?" "Why are we never eating dinner until 8:45pm?" "I hate football! Why did you sign me up when I cried and begged and told you I was unloved if you wouldn't?"

When it all gets to be to much they send in a little 7 year old who has worn full football gear constantly since last Christmas, and can't understand why he doesn't practice on Sunday. He tells me with shining eyes, "Mom, my position is secret ninja guard!"

"Do you mean free safety?"

"Yeah!!!!" With such joy and wonder that I forget for a moment that I'm a captive and develop a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome, start identifying with my captors and even fall in love with their cause...until they ask the most unspeakable thing of all.

"Mom, will you wash my football stuff?"

If you get this letter send chocolate and a chauffeur and a maid.


Boy Mom

Monday, August 16, 2010

Stuff I Need to Get OFF My Chest (Or, in Some Instances, ON)

I was bitter and angry when the Schlotzsky's Deli near our home closed. For the past several years I have suffered bouts of depression and unreasonable anger when faced with purchasing a substandard sandwich. Oh Joy! Adorable Hubby found a Shlotzsky's Deli in Utah only 22 miles away according to Google. There is also a Schlotzsky's in Pocatello, Idaho 183 miles away and seriously worth the drive and whatever social stigma is attached to driving 183 miles to get a sandwich in Pocatello.

There now, I feel much better... unless I think of Kenny Rogers Roasters.

My boys are really good to let me sleep during days when I've worked a graveyard. From time to time though they feel compelled to wake me for some really important news. I don't resent these important moments in the least.

On Thursday an entirely new and earth shatteringly important discover was made in Boy Yard.

Apparently one of these.

Got it on together with one of these.

And created one of....

Sadly, #5 pushed (No I didn't it was an accident) #7 (It wasn't an accident and he HIT me and it was his fault) who landed on the newly discovered land Crustacean (Rolly Polly's are crustaceans, I Googled it.) with pincers and squished out it's kind forever.

Terribly sad, because we all know how rare crustaceans with pincers are. The entomological world and #7 are reeling from the blow.

Worth getting woke up for and not at all resentment causing.

And since we're on the subject of graveyard shifts. I usually get up around 3:00 PM, throw on some clothes and try to get a few things done before getting ready for work at 8:00 PM or often later. I usually leave for work at 8:45 PM, or often later, with wet hair and no make up, and I always drive at 90 miles an hour with the windows open to savor a little of my favorite time of day.

So when I arrive at work having used the open windows as my hair dryer and put on whatever make up I could find in my purse, I kinda look like this.

Smokin' Hot, I know. And, when arriving at Radiology from the ER patients seem really calmed by my appearance. A working girl does what she can.

Why can't I get organized and to places on time?

And speaking of awesome t-shirts and chests... What? Well we are now!

This is the t-shirt/slogan handed out to local college football fans a couple years back.

And this is the much awesomer version made for my Birthday by my awesomely artistic and dashingly manly friend, Paul. His gorgeous female counterpart, Mandi made me cookies and negotiated the always tricky woman's sizing dilemma, earning her an awesome accolade as well.

Now that's something worth keeping on my chest.

All t-shirt modeling inquiries will be handled by my agent, Adorable H Hubby Dawg, yo!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

The Sweetest Things

Monday August 9th we took our 4 youngest boys and their cousin back to Lagoon, the large amusement park in our state. We really enjoyed our visit a couple weeks ago. So much so that Adorable Hubby got all spontaneous on me and insisted we bounce back (only $10.00 a person to come back with in the next couple weeks of your full price, or coupon price, visit).

I love when Adorable Hubby get's spontaneous so we ditched the dirty house, over grown lawn and laundry for a fun night.

On our first ride, the Tilt-A-Whirl I kept making eye contact with the ride operator, he apparently thought it was more then me begging for the ride to be over soon so I could run find a restroom because as we got off he offered me his hand, a suave smile and probably said, "Have a really great day". To #6 and I his accent made it sound a lot like a really sincere, "Happy Birthday!"

"Wow!" Said #6 looking up at me wide-eyed, "How did he know it's your Birthday tomorrow?"

So, since everyone at Lagoon and most likely the whole world knows it's not at all vain for me to blog about my birthday. Right?

I started the day by sleeping in until 9:45, not without kicking the dog and multiple boys including some neighbor kids out of my room, but still 9:45 WOO HOO!

It would have been a bit later but that's when #4 and #5 came in with breakfast in bed. Three 8 inch pancakes with peanut butter and organic maple syrup, two cold, rubbery fried eggs (a #5 delicacy, he's 9 just smile and eat), eight pieces of bacon, and two pieces of toast, artfully arranged on a meat serving platter that may have needed to be rinsed off before use.

And it was delicious! I have wonderful sons! And a 2000 calorie breakfast on your birthday is perfectly acceptable...?

Next, I hung out in bed and texted with some friends and discovered the joys of a birthday on facebook, when I found 30+ greetings from friends and family and a stranger from India who thinks I have nice eyes in my email in box.

My sister Laura is in town, she is just 13 months younger than me, we were really close in college, last year we almost lost her to an aneurysm. She is in town for a week! What a great present, to hang out with Laura and my youngest sister Jenny. We pedicured, Pier Oned, Chilli'sd and laughed and talked. Sweeter than the free brownie at Chilli's is time with those you love.

I got home and suddenly remembered I was married and had children, errands and dirty dishes...fortunately my friend Suzie called and we chatted through the errands and chores. A best friend is the best birthday present you'll ever get and you get it every stinking day! Sweet!

I Finished off the day at dinner with Adorable Hubby and came home to well wishes and treats from more friends.

Thanks everyone for making it a great day! And, I heartily reccomend a spontaneous night including an unexpected if misinterpreted birthday greeting from a teenager at an amusement park to keep you from feeling too old.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

RanSOm NoTe

I've Got BoY MOm.

IF you WaNt heR baCk place...

A couPle thou$and dollar$
FiVe sEtS of PaDs
FIve (GaG) MoUth GUaRds
fiVe JersEys
FivE pair'S of StinKy socks
10 muDDy cleATes
FivE paIrs of GrasS sTained wHite panTs
FIVE sets of exPen$ive, sweaty unDer Armour
ThreE LaWn cHairs
Twelve KaTrillon bottleS Of GaToRadE
2 LosT gloveS (from diffErent pAirs of course)
TweNty weeKly PracTices
5 GaMes a wEEk
60 StadDium DiNNeRs
1 LarGe, waRm, approRiateLy colORed blanKeT
ThRee MonThs

In A diStinCTtively MaRkeD sUbUrBan.

You wIll bE conTacteD by 5 CoaChes witH drOp oFf/pIck uP tIMes.

wE aRe sERious abOut ThIS dO NoT tRy to contAct law EnforCement TheY WoN'T wriTE Off thAt sPeeDing to PraCticE TickEt.

IF YOU evEr WanT to sEE BOy MoM again follOw alL insTrucTions.



Monday, August 2, 2010


Friday we (all of Adorable Hubbies family) headed north to Lagoon, a large amusement park.

Grandpa and Grandma were kind enough to get all of the grand kids their tickets. They had carefully searched for discount tickets that brought the price down to something like reasonable, then had placed the tickets and money in an envelope. I got home from work, slept a couple hours, showered, jumped in the car and realized as I was walking up to the ticket window that I had neither discount tickets or the money. Brilliant!

Despite the huge price for reuglar tickets we decided there was really nothing we could do. It was over an hour to go home, we'd just have to buy the tickets at full price, so I got in line feeling bitter. As I stood there a lady walked up got in the line next to me turned to me and said, how many discount tickets do you need. Sweet!!! Turns out they were a better discount then the ones I'd left home. Extra sweet!

This was our first time in 19 years year of attending amusement parks without a diaper bag, or a stroller and the first time all of our boys could go on all but one or two rides. OK, I'll admit it, this no baby thing, has it's perks.

The first ride of the day was the old wooden roller coaster. My riding companion was #5 our nine year old. It's been a couple years since he had been to an amusement park the last time we came he could only ride the little kid stuff, he was excited but, turns out this boy has a bit of a swearing issue when he's nervous. I was a little shocked that sitting next to his mother didn't inhibit him more. I had never heard the word $h!t used so many ways in such a short time...until a bit later on the ride Wicked. A lady on that ride came up with some curse word combination's that would have been downright impressive... if she hadn't been sitting next to her 7 year old.

Can I say once again how nice it was not to have to worry about a diaper bag, a stroller or stringing together multi-word cursing combination's.

As long as we've been married Adorable Hubby has been planning a roller coaster vacation. It goes something like this, rent an RV drive to every really cool roller coaster location in the US, spend a day riding then move on. After watching a couple shows on the food network this weekend I've decided my version is a roller coaster and restaurant vacation which means the RV will have to have a really great restroom.

Now that all the boys are old enough to curse like sailors to ride everything we may just have to make this a reality.

Meanwhile, were bouncing back to Lagoon sometime this weekend. Wanta come?

Our Family

Our Family