Thursday, July 30, 2009

Teen Dreams

Let me start from the beginning.

I was a girly girl, mostly. I learned to cook, I tried to learn to sew, I was a sought after babysitter, and dreamed of being surrounded by admiring teenage boys.

True, I threw the discus and shot-putt, mowed lawns for my landscaper Dad, knew my bench press and squat max weights and could throw a softball to home plate from center field. But, my picture of life in the future involved teaching my daughters to be confidant, flirty and surrounded by teenage boys, everything I wasn't.

When #1 was born, followed closely by #'s 2- 4, I was taken in by their chubby, drooling babyness and didn't recognize them as potential teenager boys. As they grew, I found their funny boy ways, peeing outside and assembling rock and stick collections in their bedrooms, cute, and adorable.

The pre-teen years were full of scouts and reptiles, backyard inventions and neighborhood skirmishes. Once again I failed to recognize that all my girly dreams involving gaggles of gangling teen boys were growing up right under my nose. I was too caught up in being the cool mom who would fish a Black Widow Spider out of the pool so my sons bug collection would be completely awesome.

Even when #1 and #2 turned ages that ended in 'teen', it didn't occur to me that this was the nightmare version of my adolescent dreams.

It wasn't until my vacation last week that the full realization hit me. Every aspect of my life has has been completely taken over by TEENAGE BOYS, my dreams have come true.

What the... was I dreaming

Allow me to elaborate.

I'm a good driver. I enjoy driving. I have three teenage drivers. I don't drive anymore! Anywhere!

I hate laundry. My teenagers play football, run cross country, participate in choir and ballroom dance, play baseball, and, I think, roll around in mud mixed from sweat and pig manure. These activities create loads and loads and loads of dirty stinky laundry.

Each night, in those early years, I would set the table complete with two forks and salad plates and serve lovingly prepared meals for Adorable Hubby and I in cute little serving dishes. Our darling little leftovers were placed in precious little three compartment containers with lids and matching plastic ware for our lunches the next day. Fast forward 20 years. Nothing cute about it. Quantity not quality is our motto! Leftovers? Should we be lucky enough to end up with leftovers, Adorable Hubby and I would have to dive into the fray with claws extended and fangs slashing to get a portion for our lunch.

Life can be smelly. Babies can be smelly. Teenagers. Are. Smelly! I went to my thirteen year old's concert at the Jr. High this past spring. Foolishly I managed to get separated from Adorable Hubby. Seeing a group of kids from church and the neighborhood who would recognize Adorable Hubby, I made my way to the middle of the group to ask if they had seen him, I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to pose my question but never asked it, the smell of nervous teenagers filled my nostrils and I was forced to run gagging, eyes streaming to fresh air. Adorable Hubby walked home.

And, speaking of smells, did you know there is a dangling tree car freshener scent called Black Ice? It reeks of teenage boy cologne.

And, speaking of smells, did you know that teenage boy deodorant is over four dollars a can and needs to be used with a five dollar bottle of teenage boy body-wash to achieve maximum olfactory acceptability. And, that a freshly body-washed, deodorized, teenage boy will then spray enough 15 dollar a bottle cologne over himself to fill a stadium with the overwhelming aroma of teenage manliness and that you may have to get in the Black Ice scented car with that teenager and be driven somewhere by him.

And, speaking of smells, did you know that teenage girls actually seem to like a teenage boys scent to leave watering eyes and stuffy sinuses lingering in a room long after he has gone.

Teenage laddies are very proud of their developing musculature; and, what better than a pro-wrestling exhibition in the living room to showcase their burgeoning biceps. Adorable Hubbys' yells to "TAKE IT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE IS LOSING," are drowned out by the brawling, drunken, fans also known as, little brothers.

Teenage boys like it LOUD, you'd think after all the times I've had to turn off the car and go back in to change my panties that I'd have learned. No, Each time I get in, turn on the car, and, just as I turn my head for the backing maneuver, get blasted by some eighties rock group cranked so loud only dogs can hear the high notes, causing my heart to stop and my bladder to contract just as shock renders my sphincter useless. Egads! More freaking laundry.

Add to these counseling sessions, cracking voices, attitudes, skid marks, circadian rhythms, size 12 shoes, broken hearts, and an eighteen year old addressing me by my first name accompanied by an eye roll.

What the... was I dreaming indeed.

Of course there is, sitting between two strapping, handsome, young men at a chick flick. And bear hugs. And, let me get that for you Mom, moments. And, "You look hot in that Mom." Or coming home to a clean kitchen and happy little ones which tends to make it all dreamy again.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009


Tonight was pack meeting, yes after a short hiatus I have returned to my roll as den mother. And, as of tonight, have a Bob Cat, soon to be Wolf scout.

One of the activities at Pack Meeting was a relay which included crab walking. Remember crab walking? Where you sit down push up with your hands and feet and walk, belly up, on all fours, you know, like a crab!

I remembered Crab kickball from second grade but wasn't sure if I could still lift my butt off the floor or move in that position. I wasn't willing to give it a try with the dads, I was the only Mom there besides the scout leader. But the minute I got home, you know it baby, I was down on the floor checking out my crab walking skills.

Dang! I could have won that relay!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Inspired By You,Wednesday Which, It Turns Out, Would Have Been A Really Great Toothesome Tuesday

The lack of spell checker on the title line really irks. I almost posted the title as Insired By You... Which sounds like a freaky, incestuous, cattle breeding program which may or may not end up being discussed in our next Sunday School Class .

Dear Blogger,

Really need spell check on the title line, really!


Boy Mom

So, I mentioned that I won a give away from Shelf Reliance through Mormon Mommy Blogs . Yes, I'll love the muffins but, what I totally lust after is some of these.

Oh baby! I think I could love this product almost as much as my beloved Rival Shop Vac .

After discovering myself a winner last Sunday, I emailed Mormon Mommy blogs with my mailing info. Monday when I woke up my computer was fried. Dead. Will not turn on. Nice!

Sadly, my first thought was, "I hope the email went through before it crashed, I want those muffins!"

This morning, guess what was carried down to me by a very excited #6 and #7? Yeah baby! A big ol' box with my prize.

Call me shallow, or severely technologically unappreciative, but, it almost makes up for the computer crash.

Thanks Shelf Reliance! Hurry over to Mormon Mommy Blogs and get enrolled, they have really great giveaway's all the time.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Mondays Muttered Mumblings

Little mistakes I've made this weekend.

First, I planned a family vacation in front of my kidlets. All I've heard since is...

"When are we going on vacation?"


"What day is Friday?"

"Wha... how do you answer,Umm, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday!!" I count on my fingers.

"Ohh. So when is that?"


"Can I take my suitcase?"


"I'll go get it out and put my toys in it!"

"NO! Mommy will pack your suitcase on Thursday!"

"When is Thursday?"


Then, I told #7 that his birthday was this month.

"When is my Party?"

"Two weeks."

"How long is two weeks?"

"Well, first we'll go on vacation then..."

"When are we going on vacation?"

"Fri...Oh no! You're not dragging me back in to that conversation you're just trying to make Mom crazy!"

"Whahhh! Fine, you're not coming to my birthday party!" He runs off in tears!


Finally, I let Adorable Hubby convince me to ask a question at Home Depot. What was I thinking?

(Yes, I get that the acronyms for Adorable Hubby and Boy Mom are naughty and funny and kind of go together all at the same time...just like us, ha!)

AH: I'm going back to get some screen, ask someone where the DVD Player cleaner discs are.

BM: Don't we need to go to an electronic store for DVD Player Cleaner discs? I asked suspiciously.

AH: This is Home Depot! They have everything a MAN needs! (he grunted a little)

I wandered through the outdoor greenhouse section then walked in the front doors. Three male employees stood just inside the door.

Having quickly surveyed my man help options I passed, Old MAN Who Can Fix Anything and Big Burly 'All MAN Baby' MAN. I was headed for Bleached Blonde Too Pretty To Work Here MAN, as I passed him, Big Burly 'All MAN Baby' MAN said, "Hi there" in his best helpful, hunky MAN voice. Yikes!

"Do you have cleaner disks for DVD players?" I asked, Bleached Blonde Too Pretty To Work Here MAN, noticing, too late, that his badge said "Training".

"Ummm, I don't think so... Hey, Big Burly 'All Man Baby' MAN, do we have DVD cleaner discs?" He calls, fluttering his hand apologetically at his "Training" badge.

"Why no Darlin' " He winks at me, "I don't believe we've ever carried those!" Big Burly 'All Man Baby' MAN rumbles back. "Hey Old MAN Who Can Fix Anything, you ever seen DVD cleaner discs in here?"

"NO!" Says Old MAN Who Can Fix Anything rolling his eyes misogynistically.

I put on my best dumb wife who let her husband talk her into asking questions at a MAN store face, oh wait, I already had it on. "I told him we should go to an electronics store." I muttered lamely.

"Don't feel bad!" Said Bleached Blond Too Pretty To Work Here MAN sympathetically. "This is a MAN store we should totally have those DVD cleaner thingies!" (We're going to lunch and shopping later this week with his first and last Home Depot paycheck;))

So I made a few mistakes this week. I also won a totally cool give away from Mormon Mommy Blogs and Shelf Reliance. Raspberry Muffins fix any mistake, right?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Inspired By You Wednesdays

Today I'm inspired by Deb over at Folksy Musings !

As I've mentioned before, I get these crushes on people, OK, things, foods, shows and even concepts are not immune to my crushes. I've been crushing on Deb for a while now. Her timely reviews of reality TV make me feel so "Hip" and "In the know, despite not getting my trashy reality fix often enough.

Deb offers deep and insightful reviews of newsworthy events, like Michael Jackson's funeral, and her adorable sons Android, wait, that's Adenoid surgery .

Best of all Deb reviews the best As Seen on television products, that tube of Mighty Putty you're all getting for Christmas this year, you can thank Deb.

Yes the antics of Princess and Dexy are cute and the exploits Sven Debs, George Clooney double, husband are precious but my favorite are the exposes', rest stop toilets in Arkansas with au naturel plumbing , how could I have seen that one coming? Thanks Deb. I'll re-think that Arkansas vacation I've been planning.

There you have it bloggy friends, my latest bloggy crush. Thanks for all the laughs Deb. Heckling a movie with you is #11 on my "Bucket List".

Monday, July 6, 2009

Mondays Muttered Mumblings

Wow! Do I have Smokin' Hot contests or What?

Here is the typical response, "Uhh, I'm not even going to try to guess your birth order."

OK, fine, that leaves me with a tie between Suey for getting the first and last right and Mummy McTavish for guessing that I look about 21 years old. And, the winner is, based on carefully unbiased calculations that have absolutely nothing to do with Suey living down the block and Mummy McTavish living in Australia which doesn't celebrate a red white and blue star themed holiday, drum roll please. Suey You won! You lucky girl! Adorable Hubby will be so thrilled that the stars are leaving their spot of honor on the hearth and heading down the street to clutter your abode. You even get to pick the paint color. Or Lucky you! You can paint them yourself!

There, now let's get some muttered mumblings going. My woeful tale begins Wednesday night or early Thursday morning, if you care about those things. To me, night is night and I should be sleeping not being woke up by Adorable Hubby informing me that #5 and #7 are puking everywhere.

"And I should wake up and deal with this why? " I wondered groggily, until I remembered our husband/wife deal. I deal with all bodily fluids and he deals with...NOTHING! I jest, mostly, he'll wipe a snotty nose with his bare hands so were even, almost.

I wadded up the bedding full of bean burritos, which we will not be eating for a very long time, puke, and tossed it in the laundry room, scraped the worst chunks off the carpet, gathered puke buckets and towels then cuddled two retching boys the rest of the night. Just a little kiddie tummy bug, I thought. Grown-ups never get those, I thought.

Next morning all seemed well, carpets were scrubbed bedding washed, the two boys slept all day queasy but no eruptions. Thursday night no problems.

Friday night #8 came home from work early feeling queasy and light headed, running a fever. "You'll be over it by morning," I promised him with a hug.

Later Friday night I picked up #5 and #7 from a cousins sleepover. I had planned to pick up #7, I still need my baby home at night, and #5 came home with a tummy ache. He walked in the door ran to the bathroom and 'almost' puked in the toilet. "I feel better now Mom. Can I go back to the sleep over?''

"No, and don't even start whining because the answer is..." #7 puked all over my feet. What the...

I cleaned my feet. I Cleaned #7. I cleaned the bathroom. I cleaned the kitchen floor. I lined their beds with towels. I tried to fall to sleep. I ended up holding a retching #7 all night. I'll be OK, I hoped.

July Forth, Adorable Hubby wakes up snarling and grumpy! # 1 and # 2 leave for work, an hour later #1 comes home, Puking and Pooping. I sit in the shade at the family reunion gazing at the hamburger and salads on my plate, yucky. Adorable Hubby eats and heads home for a nap. We laugh we party, we visit, we spread germy love through the family.

At 4:00 Adorable Hubby leaves with the brothers and Brothers-in-law for a Frisbee golf tournament. I walk across the street to my cool family room. My tummy is not happy!

At 5:30 Adorable Hubby walks into the house, says he's fighting the pukes and lays down. I blog and listen to some amazing sounds coming from my belly. At 6:00 Adorable Hubby walks into the family room shame faced. "I'm worse then the kids!" He mumbles.

Are you sicker? I ask, really bad grammar is excused during a barf-o-rama.

"No, I didn't make it to the toilet." He moans.

I follow him down the hall to the bedroom, What the...

I walk to the bathroom door, WHAT THE...

"The bodily fluids deal is off!" I gasped, between gags, "You're cleaning this up yourself!"

A couple minutes later I hear the Shop Vac start up! W!H!A!T! T!H!E! !!! No one does that to my beloved shop vac!

I was too sick to care.

Twenty minutes later I puked in the garbage can while sitting on the toilet in the toxic waste land that used to be our bathroom.

Two hours later # 4 puked in the toilet, almost!

No one went to church on Sunday, no one cleaned the bathroom either.

Monday I left for work at 6:45 A.M.

When he picked me up from work Adorable Hubby made me guess how long it took him to clean the bathroom, "Four hours!" He announced before I could guess.

WWHHAATT TTHHEE... Adorable Hubby cleaning up fermented, crusted, 2nd, 3rd and 4th of July, bodily fluids while I'm at work, I think I'm in love. Happy anniversary tomorrow Adorable Hubby!

Yes I know I digressed into What the...Friday mode on Muttered Mumbling Monday. But, in my defense, it did take place partly on Friday.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Happy 4th of July

Every year my family gathers at my Moms' for a July 4th swimming party. This year we combined the holiday with our family reunion. So, Mom, all ELEVEN siblings, our TEN spouses, FIFTY of the 52 grandchildren, ONE cousin-in-law and the first GREAT GRAND BABY were all there, plus my Uncle and Aunt who show up to every year...uninvited. Aahh FAMILY togetherness!

From the youngest.

To the oldest.

From the teens.

The tots.

And all the cuteness of our gene pool in the swimming pool!

From Moms.



Adorable #1 sons!

And sunbathers.

From the swim race contestants.

To the photo finishers.

And the Uncle Charlies, every family has at least one ;)

Happy! Happy! 4th of July!

And now, just for fun, in no particular order, my siblings and me. I have a set of July 4th, wooden star hooks, for the first Non-relation commenter who can put us in birth order.

Good Luck!

Our Family

Our Family