Monday, June 4, 2012

When I'm Not Boy Mom

9:00 PM,  a chubby, middle aged Radiology secretary, Susan Smith, could such a banal name be a more obvious disguise, adjusts her glasses higher on her nose and makes her way down the clinical white hallway to the radiology office.  As the door appears she sighs, hoping tonight's graveyard shift will be a quiet assortment of phone calls, patients and paperwork.  Entering the office a quick glance around the room reveals only the usual Mammo films, sticky notes and piles of scanning...but wait, a crock pot containing four day old salsa chicken, remnants of an office party, still sits on a rarely used counter.  Susan gives it a cursory glance as she puts on her rubber finger, pushes her glasses up and begins sorting. 
9:10 PM After a quick look around the office to be sure she is alone, Susan shoves her glasses onto the top of her head and begins sorting papers at super speed her rubber finger smoking as a haphazard mound of paperwork is reduced in a dizzy blur to a tidy scanning pile and shredding pile. Getting paperwork filed quickly is always best, it might be a quiet night but one never knows what evil doings may be afoot.
9:17 PM Susan's pulls her glasses back into place on her wrinkled nose, "What is that smell?" Suddenly, a full breasted hen, dripping with four day old salsa and a little cheese emerges from the crock pot with an evil cackle, "Bock, bock, brrrrocck, buwahahahabock."

Gasp, "It's Dr. Salmonella, I thought she was in lock down on the psych unit!"  Susan exclaims as she dashes out the door and down the hall. 

"Come back and fight, or are you chicken?" screeches Dr. Salmonella pulling a double barreled Blechk 2012 Germ Ray out from under her wing.

Susan jerks open the door to the Radiologist bathroom, sending a startled, red faced doctor down the hall grumbling about looney office ladies as he zips his fly.
9:21 PM As green flashes of phosphorescent light and the pewpewpew sounds of the germ ray flash from the office door, someone swirls out of the Radiologists bathroom.  It's Lady 'O Night, her extra strength spandex body suit can withstand toxic levels of bacteria, her fishnet stockings only rarely snag, and her cape...Ahhh the cape, shimmers and swirls around her, sequins and fluff, flashing and fluttering. 
Her sensible, sequined, sneakers squeaking on the hospital blue linoleum, Lady O' Night dashes into the office, Dr. Salmonella laughing maniacally "Buwahahahabock!" is covering every surface with germy, green, slime. 

Lady O' Night reaches for her utility belt, "Duoh, must be home on the body suit that's in the laundry."  With a habitual swipe at her glasses,  she grabs a handful of paper clips and a bottle of hand sanitizer.  "Hey, Dr. Salmonella, to get back to the Psych unit you need to go down to the second hall, turn left, watch for the elevators about half way down the hall,  also on your left, go up three floors...Hey!  As a slimey bolt from the germ ray barely misses her. 

"You office ladies and your parties, buwahahahbock!"  Dr. Salmonella sneers, well, as much as a 5" 9", fleshy breasted, salsa covered hen with a bright pink lipsticked beak and false eyelashes can sneer.  "I could get anywhere in this hospital in a Tupperware or one of your crock pots."

"Whatever, I've coated each of these paper clips in hand sanitizer after I throw them at you, I'm going to dash down to Central Distribution grab some alcohol wipes and a can of orange anti-bacterial spray... or we can do this the easy way."

"No! Not sanitized paper clips!  I'll get you next time Lady O' Night."   Dr. Salmonella turns to leave, "Wait, did you say the SECOND hall"

And so  the day, uhh, night is saved, peaceful boredom and paperwork are restored to Radiology and once again Susan Smith adjusts her glasses and reaches for her rubber finger. 

At the risk of giving away my secret identity, I think I deserve movie tickets :) 
It might be argued that cleaning out a four day old crock pot with hand sanitizer and paper towels is a lot like being a Boy Mom.  Oh well, I got my movie tickets.


Jenny said...

Great fun the second time reading it too!

Adams Family said...

Wow!! Are you getting any sleep in the day time????? Because even super heroines need some sleep. That was cute.

Cowboy mom said...

Wow!!! I want a secret Identity....and spandex.

annie valentine said...

I kept waiting for you to say that you threw it in the microwave, nuked the germs, then attacked it with chips. Positively delightful either way.

BoyMom Designs said...

Great pictures!!!!

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