Where To Begin?

Most of the people who read my blog are family and friends who know what happened so I'll be brief on events but longer on feelings in the hopes that someone can benefit. It's nice to know we're not alone as we sample the many experiences life has to offer.

I have been told that I seem to be doing well, that I'm strong and that I'm coping gracefully; in actuality it is your strength, your prayers, and concern that has lifted me and will continue to carry me through the months and weeks ahead. Well, that and an almost annoying blessing of being able to see the hand of God in all of it.

Two weeks ago today my Adorable Husband told me he was going for walk. He kissed me and left then called his business partner and told him everything was going well and as planned,that he was excited about the future. Then he crossed the street to my Mom's house swallowed the entire contents of a brand new bottle of sleeping pills, went down to an unused bedroom, turned off his phone and went to sleep. An hour or so later his partner called and asked if I had talked to him in the last few minutes. I began looking and told my number 2 son I needed to find his Dad, he went over to Grandma's and found him in the basement. We were able to get him out to the car and to the hospital, for a weeks stay in the psychiatric unit. During the stay his partner and I discovered and uncovered a huge, horrible business fiasco that will take a very long time to sort through.

As I look back over the course of our lives I have wondered if all of it was based on lies, I have swung through emotions of anger, pain, despair, guilt, agony. I seem to have my worst moments in the early hours before dawn when everything is so dark and the whole world seems to be sleeping when I can't. It is really easy to get lost in the questions and worries, I do that; but, in those darkest hours before dawn when my hurt and my pain are all I can feel, from somewhere deep inside comes an understanding of my husbands hurts, his pains and the very real illness that affects his thoughts and action to the point that killing the part of him that is sick and broken seemed like the best thing to do for his family, himself and his business associates.

The hardest thing for me to do is reach out to see if anyone cares and the most joyful part is finding out how many do. Your comments and phone calls, kindnesses and prayers mean so much. I am thankful for the power of God for his blessing and goodness in our lives, for your strength so willingly shared, and for the strength of my husband who in the only way he could reached out to God and humanity.