Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Gee Thanks, Babe!

Tonight I asked a man at work what gift he was getting his wife for Christmas.

"Well, I'm actually getting her a maid to come in and help with the heavy cleaning." (Yes, he's a doctor.)

"Wow, what a great gift. Will the maid be peeking out of the top of her stocking with a feather duster and a cute little french outfit?" (Yeah, I talk to doctors that way... 'cuz my jobs just for fun, don't cha know!)

The conversation started me to thinking that there are some gifts a husband could get his wife that, wonderful seeming though they may be, should, perchance, be accepted with suspicion.

Because I love you and wouldn't want your marriage to suffer many years from now when you suddenly suspect an ulterior motive behind all those unique and wondrous gifts your dear one showered on you, I've made a little Suspish List.

Boy Mom's Suspish List

1) A French Maid

Uhhh, Mon Cheri, unless she's from Winnemucka, France, drives an older Japanese car, wears sweats and a t-shirt that says I conquered the Monster Steak Sandwich at Frenchy's Bar and Grill...Be suspicious.

2) Sugar-free Chocolate and diet soda

Chiquita, this should immediately bring to mind that sweet pick-up line from the movie Napoleon Dynamite, "I see you're drinking 1% (milk, for those unlucky enough to not have this movie oft quoted in their presence), is that because you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted too." Now, let suspicion invert the quote. Don't question the logic? It's 3:00a.m. and Boy Mama's sleepy.

3) A Couples Massage from,
Desiree Jucy, CMT

Ladies, lovely as an hour of knot kneading may sound...this is the gift you refund for a Rubbed Steak at Outback with your best girlfriend. Trust Boy Mom on this one.

5) Self-help Books

What you sayin' boy? Don't mis-read, Boy Mama's all about self improvement; jus', self-motivated, self-improvement.

6)Ironing Boards, Hangers and Spray Starch

Sister, take that highly suspicious crap back to Walmart toute de suite (learned that fancy term from the French maid).

7) If the box says, STANLEY, DE WALT, CRAFTSMAN or comes from HOME DEPOT

Precious, I want to put this gently...He's going to be getting a whole lot more out of that chain saw then you, even if you are the 'crafty type'.

8) A year of ESPN2 and a new cable box.

Girl, if you love LPGA Wednesdays, re-runs of Pete Sampras before the hair went bye-bye, and soccer players (yum), this may be the perfect gift. If you're still trying to sound out LPGA...then, not so much.

9) Naughty Lingerie

Sweet Cheeks, if you can't wear it to drag the garbage can to the street 20 seconds before the truck gets to your house. If it's inappropriate to drive the lil' 'uns to school in, even with a ratty 'ol bath robe over it. Well then, it just might be the gift that keeps giving. To. Him. Jus' keepin' it real, ladies.

10) If, at any time during the Holiday Season, you hear that darlin' man of yours say something like, "Girl, my Mom and I picked up a truly fab little wifey gift that you're just going to A. Dore!" (Hmm, well if he says anything, about any subject, like that... then, Hon, we need to have a whole 'nother little chat).Let's jus' say if "My Mom" and "gift" come up in the same sentence, gal, let, Boy Mom's Suspish Gift List be your guide and don't you even open that little bundle. Hide it under the piles of discarded wrapping paper. (Unless, of course your Mum-in-law is super cool like mine and picks out absolutely amazing gifts. She says she reads my blog, we'll see :))

Now, Luv, If you get such a gift from your Numero Uno, don't despair. Hug on that boy, tell 'im you love, Love, LOVE it, then hit those after Christmas sales hard. Buy your wonderful lil' self something really, really great, Boy Mom insists.

My work here is done. Feel free to re-produce copies for all your girlies.

And, remember, if a lady doesn't give her man an amazing gift, well then, Sugar Plum... 'nuff said.


Kristina P. said...

This is too funny! I will definitely print this off for Adam. Merry Christmas!

Just Us said...

It's good to have a Suspish List, I was suspicious of everything before! Now I can narrow down which ones are the really suspicious gifts. Side Note, my chiropractor told Mark that he is giving his wife an elliptical machine. Nice!

Barbaloot said...

I agree on all but two. I could be wrong cuz I'm single, though:) I'd LOVE a maid---doesn't have to be French, I'll take any nationality:) And as a single girl, I can never have too many things from Home Depot.

Suz said...

Awesome list.
In this techno age we have learned to email each other with links to the perfect gifts.

Also, on my annual girly Christmas shopping day, I buy a few extras for him and the kiddos to wrap up for ME!!!

I think I'll have to add link for a maid. Do you think it is too late?



Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

Just laughed so hard I cried! Thanks for that! You are so funny!

Mrs. NB

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