Saturday, August 28, 2010

Football Hostage Update

I was able to sneak this letter out...

The tortures are terrible I'm being asked to do unspeakable things. Like figure out how to get three boys and one Adorable Hubby to three different practices at three different locations at the same time. With one car.

Tonight they violated the Geneva convention by strapping me to a metal stadium bench and dumping gallons of rain water over my hair, in my face, down my shirt and pants while electrical currents flashed overhead. Finally when I was thoroughly soaked the wind machines were turned on and the temperature was dropped 20 degrees. Human Rights Advocates grab your poster boards somebody needs to protest.

There have been demeaning questions, "Why did you let #5 take my water bottle I filled?" "Why are we never eating dinner until 8:45pm?" "I hate football! Why did you sign me up when I cried and begged and told you I was unloved if you wouldn't?"

When it all gets to be to much they send in a little 7 year old who has worn full football gear constantly since last Christmas, and can't understand why he doesn't practice on Sunday. He tells me with shining eyes, "Mom, my position is secret ninja guard!"

"Do you mean free safety?"

"Yeah!!!!" With such joy and wonder that I forget for a moment that I'm a captive and develop a bad case of Stockholm Syndrome, start identifying with my captors and even fall in love with their cause...until they ask the most unspeakable thing of all.

"Mom, will you wash my football stuff?"

If you get this letter send chocolate and a chauffeur and a maid.


Boy Mom


Kristina P. said...

I am so glad you were able to break free from your captors, if only for a moment!

Techno Grandma said...

I have a large bowl of banana-oatmeal-chocolate chip muffins in my freezer. Would that help?

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

You forgot the lysol... or smelly candles. Whew! I am pretty sure I can smell those sweaty boys all the way over here... but, maybe that is just my boys and their shin guards and cleats. Gag!

Mrs. NB

Gill said...

PM me your address and i will surely send you some of Englands finest Galaxy chocolate bars...that are NOT for sharing :)

Great post bless you!



Anonymous said...

You are so going on my blog list! I happily turn the Mom-of-Sons Award over to you! 5 is NOTHING compared to you. I've taught all my sons to read and swim. If I had another, they'd be illiterate and drown!

My littlest guy has wanted to play football ALL YEAR - and now he wants a day off - it doesn't count if it's Labor Day! BTW - He can uses his cup to play drums - while wearing!

Welcome to the Unoffical Mom of 3+ Sons Club (which you cannot be in even if you have 20 sons if you have one daughter). This is a very special sisterhood!

Heffalump said...

I am glad none of my boys have wanted to play football. I have only had to deal with baseball and band. I don't know that my laundry could handle football!

Our Family

Our Family