Monday, April 6, 2009

Monday's Muttered Mumblings Brings you: More Bathroom Cr...err, Stuff

A burning question seems to have resulted from my last post. Why do men have nipples?

I'm glad that my pathetic efforts at a creative post caused a rumbling in your... brains.

So I pulled out all my fascinating bathroom reads and will present a small excerpt from each, are you not thrilled?

WHY DO MEN HAVE NIPPLES?

This delightful little reference guide answers all, well I guess not all, hence the sequel, WHY DO MEN FALL ASLEEP AFTER SEX?, the questions that you'd love to ask a personable, cute doctor, including why do men have nipples? But, just wouldn't dare. Unless of course you were drunk, which doesn't work because who remembers anything useful that they learned while drunk. Not that I'd know anything about drinking (pause, as I lament my uncheckered past).

Here is the answer. "We are mammals and blessed with body hair, three middle ear bones, and the ability to nourish our young with milk that females produce in modified sweat glands called mammary glands. Although females have the mammary glands, we all start out in a similar way in the embryo. During development, the embryo follows a female template until about six weeks, when the male sex chromosome kicks in for a male embryo. The embryo then begins to develop all of it's male characteristics. Men are thus left with nipples and also some breast tissue...Abnormal enlargement of the breasts in a male is know as gynecomastia. Gyneocomastia can be caused by using anabolic steroids. So, if Barry Bonds ends up coming to the old-timers game with a pair of sagging 44DD man boobs, then I think we will finally have our answer to the steroid controversy. "

The best thing about WHY DO MEN HAVE NIPPLES? And it's riveting sequel, WHY DO MEN FALL ASLEEP AFTER SEX? Are the dialogue pages that let us glimpse the brilliant minds of the authors Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg. M. D. OK, brilliant may not be the operative word here, but funny definitely works. I give this book two nipples up...hmm, perhaps that last bit was over the top, sorry?

Continuing on...

THE PYRAMID COLLECTION

Some time ago I began receiving a mail order catalog called THE PYRAMID COLLECTION. This catalog promotes itself as, "The catalog of personal growth & exploration." I would translate this as, " The catalog for earthy, mystic gals with beWITCHING, personalities." Not really sure how I got on their mailing list, but I have come to love this eclectic catalog. Every three months or so I get in touch with my inner psychic as I peruse it's fascinating collection of products, from Edwardian Velvet Dresses and Divinatory Pendulums, to Edgar's Greatest Hits (as in Edgar Allen Poe) and Belly Dance Fitness DVD's.

I keep this catalog coming by occasionally ordering a ring or a bracelet to give as a gift to my witchy sister. And though my inner eye is occasionally caught by a tempting pair of Lace-up Thigh High Stockings. One size fits most. Color: Black $14.95, I am able to restrain my mail-order shop-a-holic tendencies by channeling the Chakra candles on page 33 and imagining the raised eyebrows if I showed up at Cub Scout Pack Meeting wearing an, I Feel a Sin Coming On, Tank Top with matching Skull and Cross Bones Clogs.

When a trip to the potty finds me in a playful mood I grab my dog-eared copy of:

READ MY HIPS The sexy art of flirtation.

I am a flirt at heart but, practical application has eluded me most of my life. Self diagnosed as a bad case of shyness and a Mom who just didn't have a genetic flirt manual to pass on (love ya anyways, Mommy), I have taken my quest for flirty prowess to the experts. I'm not really sure what qualifies one to author a book on, "The sexy art of flirtation" but Eve Marx, you've changed my life. Who knew that, "In the greater vernacular of body linguistics, having a great behind is...priceless! Unfortunately most women are sadly insecure about their butts. We always think they're too big, too wide, too soft, too low, too round, too dimply, too jiggly--just too, too! But before you dis your derriere, you should know that a big, high behind sends a powerfully sexy message. It's a subliminal siren call to booty men everywhere. So the first thing you need to do, above all else is start lovin' your bottom. Because for every women out there who hates her behind, there's a man out there who would give the world to worship it That said, letting your butt do the talkin' is a time-honored female to male communication."'

Who knew? I was under the impression that all my butt was saying is, "Get off me already!' And, "Lay-off the Salt and Vinegar chips, Girl!" Turns out some male out there wants to worship it. Adorable Hubby has been telling me this for years, but something about, Read My Hips, coquettish advise, and pouty delivery makes me believe that I could totally flirt my way into the hearts of men folk everywhere.

NEWPORT NEWS

Love it! Cute clothes, darling swim suits, shoes, this is my go to guide for what's happening in fashion, real fashion, not, "Oh My Gosh, I'm an anorexic starlet!" fashion. It's also the first catalog I ever requested.

THE MORMON TABERNACLE ENQUIRER

A recent acquisition, thanks Paul, "Not only does this volume collect some of the best reportage from The Sugar Beet website and newsletter, but it also features all-new punctuation and new material that's never appeared elsewhere."

You probably need to be Mormon or at least live in Utah County, although some parts of Idaho would qualify you, to "get" the hilarity of this peek into the oxymoronicness of our Latter Day lives; but, if you can laugh at your own foibles this is a GREAT Bathroom read. Plus it would probably be easier then say, the Ensign, to substitute for toilet paper when your home storage runs out in like 3 weeks instead of the year it was supposed to last.

PREVENTION MAGAZINE/ LEAN LONG & STRONG

These are publications I compulsively buy in the check-out line of the grocery store. I suppose buying a healthy living magazine after loading my cart with ice cream and licorice, is my little nod to self-flagellation. Ha! like I need an outside source to reinforce the constant internal whipping I'm trying not to give myself about my body.

I do glean loads of useful information about healthy living which I am willing to pass on to anyone who needs advice. One day I plan to take my own advice, then I'll really be working that talking butt thing.

Well, that's it people! Hope your burning question was answered and, if you ever experience a burning sensation in the water closet that doesn't apply to the quest for knowledge, I hear our blogging friend, Mr. Nurse Boy, is the 'go' to man for all your 'go'ing questions.

I loved your toilet reading suggestions, by the way, and may have to switch the reading drawer for the towel drawer so I can add to my collection.

11 comments:

Deb said...

What fascinating information about nipples. I suppose it all makes sense.

Your bathroom reading material provides a fascinating insight into your personality. I love the Newport News catalog, too.

Mummy McTavish said...

Thanks for filling us all in! Sadly I have been given both a boy bum and boy hips which means if I even tried to send a message with my butt my pants would fall off (really, how do guys keep their pants up? Or is my problem that I'm putting girl jeans on boy hips?). Now that I think of it, I guess my pants falling off sends a message all it's own;)

Now I'm going to giggle all afternoon about you mentioning talking butts and toilets in the same post hehehe... Talking butts.

. said...

WOW check it out 07.54 in the UK and i learned something new!! haha.
So it really is ok to tweak them LOL!!

Love you bathroom books..may have to go out and get a couple of them!!

LeShel said...

loving the bathroom books. My eyes have been opened to a whole new world.

Librafury said...

Love the info on the bathroom reading material! I simply MUST get the Pyramid Collection catalog coming to my house! My chakras haven't been cleansed in so long, they've got dustbunnies! Love the post! :)

Heffalump said...

Yes, but now I want to know the answer to the question in the sequel book...

Lynn said...

Your posts are so fun to read...and I have gotton some weird catalogs in my time too... Who knows where they got my name ?

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

You mean you get to read in the bathroom? AND, you have SEVEN kids? Do you read in private? REALLY? I am so jealous!

I don't get to read in the bathroom. I get in and get out before there is a fight or the house burns down...or maybe, even, the neighbor's tree comes crashing down on us...

Mrs. Nurse Boy

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Funny and able to solve all of life's mysteries with a single blog post? It is as I have always suspected. You really are a super hero.

-Francesca

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

There were never a more complete post. Nipples and flirty butt's. I would hate to see what google searches pop this post up.

Keep shake'n it missy.
(AH told me to say that)

MrNB

mandi said...

That was hilarious! I love that you keep getting the Pyramid Collection. Now I totally want it! I feel better about my butt now, too. I am ALWAYS buying Prevention with my junk food. haha! I keep thinking it will erase some calories. Sadly, my butt is telling me otherwise.

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