Monday, March 2, 2009

Happy Birthday!

March 1st was my oldest sons 18th birthday, it has taken me a day or so to get this post written.

How do you express the feelings of a Mother for her first born? Sweet wasn't sweet until I watched him enthusiastically gum his first lollipop. Sour was never the same after watching his little face contort, and sharing that involuntary little 'sour shiver' the first time he tasted lemon.

We have shared so many firsts, the incredible explosion of joy as his first fluttering movements, just below my heart, brought him to my awareness. That marathon week of a first labor; as difficult for him as for me. I can still feel the overwhelming love that suffused my entire being at the sight of his cone shaped head and brilliant blue eyes. I have never before or since experienced such a clarifying moment; everything I thought I knew, thought I was, became insignificant in that instant. I was a mother, he, my child, no power in heaven or earth could loose those bonds.

For 18 years we have expanded, hand in hand, the definition of our Mother/child relationship. I was determined to be the best mother in the world, he, the best son, we have failed over and over again. Yet in our consistency of failure lies our sweet success.

I was determined to be the scheduled mother that I judged mine was not, I rocked my 18 month old to sleep at 10:00AM each morning, I woke him at 1:00PM to feed him lunch, we ran errands or played until 4:00PM when I rocked him to sleep again, he slept until 7:00PM, we ate dinner played with Daddy, back to sleep at 10:00PM. At 1:00 AM, right on my sleep three hours wake three hours schedule, he woke up...for three long hours, we shared stories, movies, late night feedings with his little brother. We became fast friends.

On the morning of his 18th birthday I asked him to run across the street to grab a pair of work boots I needed as an object lesson at church. He glared at me with all the self-righteous adultishness he could muster and muttered, "You could have taken care of this yesterday."

I snorted an incredulous laugh, "I wouldn't be talking, Mr. Scramble to Graduate!" I retorted, full of Momish self-righteousness.

"Uh-huh, now we know where I got it!" He zinged back.

I taught him well, he is a unique blend of my most annoying strengths and beautiful weaknesses. (Yes, I wrote that right).

He's an adult now, legally his own man; but, always and forever my first born son, and our definition of that relationship continues it's living journey, heart in heart.

12 comments:

MBLL said...

I couldn't of said that any better, uhmmm. let me rephrase that. There is no way in hell I could of expressed that bond we have with our children as eloquent as you just did. Just the other day I was pondering what it would feel like to me when my oldest turns 18. I still want to be in control, but in actuality I never was, he is HE, HIM, HISELF.
Thank you.

Suz said...

Oh,.... I am so nervous about my oldest turning 18 in July. Just this morning I found a letter from a college in Iowa that is interested in him playing soccer for them. Scary he can't move to IOWA it's to far away. Yet it would also be awesome if he did. I never moved away until I got married.

Robbins said...

Got your comment... I would LOVE to do your family picture! Just let me know when you want to do it!

Mummy McTavish said...

Oh, I've already been in tears this morning over my big boy starting school in 10 months time, now you have me in tears that one day he'll turn 18. Stupid hormones.

Happy Birthday to him.

Mr. and Mrs. Nurse Boy said...

What a beautiful post! What a loving mom! Time really does fly, doesn't it?!

Mrs. Nurse Boy

Heffalump said...

They grow up so fast! My oldest just turned 12, and I know 18 is just around the corner...

Real Mom, Real Life said...

I love this post... There is something special about that first born relationship... not that you don't love the others just as much. It is just that with the first born, you are both learning together. Mine is a gift from heaven!

Real Mom, Real Life said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Barbaloot said...

What a sweet post. I love the sarcasm that the two of you seem to have---what with the getting the boots. Life's more fun with sarcasm, right?

Valerie aka Mamalovelock said...

Really beautiful post.

Stephanie said...

Beautifully written.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

Your posts and comments always run me through an emotional rollercoaster Boy Mom. You can make me laugh and cry like no other.

A beautiful tribute to your first born. As always, I thank you for sharing your eloquent thoughts.

-Francesca

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Our Family