I guess in a way you could say I'm a big fat liar! I say I believe in the power of prayer, I claim that I trust God...truth is, I get so down on myself for not being all the things I think others are that I won't give myself permission to ask for help when I need it. It occurred to me today that as I stubbornly cling to my self-sufficiency, I'm most likely causing God to bellow down at me...
Have I not told you that you are my child?
Have I not answered every prayer you have faithfully offered?
You are never out of my sight or my heart or my influence.
There is nothing you could do to cause my love for you to diminish or die.
When I said not to judge others you were not supposed to judge yourself either, that's my job.
Did I not send Mine Only Begotten Son, even Jesus Christ to pay the price for your sins?
Have I not invited you to, Ask in faith, believing that you will receive, and I will bless you"?
Are your needs not known My little Lilly of the field?
We have no income, we have had no income since January. This is embarrassing and painful for me, and so, I begin the, 'oh so helpful process', of self flagellation. I am an expert at incapacitating myself with blame and accusation, I beat myself up for not being more frugal, for not doing more to seek income for our family months ago. Then,' brilliantly' I dig deeper, into more painful areas of self doubt and judgment, I dig up the past, every mistake I've ever made, every decision that turned out differently then I had anticipated it should. It's not pretty, it leaves me wanting to go fetal in a Hostess thrift store, drowning my fear, hurt and stubborn heart in empty calories and cream filling.
No need to send money, well OK, if you have a bunch of $$$'s cluttering up your otherwise pristine banking account feel free. No, seriously, no donations necessary, actually what I needed was to confess my mistrust of God and seek his loving forgiveness. I also need to make amends with myself. "Mean, self doubting, fearful Boy Mom, say sorry to loving, peaceful, trusting, Boy Mom"
"It's alright, please don't do it again."
"I probably will."
Thank you dear internet friends for your prayers, love and example, I know that many of you have already stopped reading and offered up a prayer in our behalf, you humble me.
For some really great posts on Christian service and trust in God visit The Nurse Boys Family Devotionals post, earlier this week; and, the One and Only Octamom always delivers an amazing Sunday Selah post, her last two Sunday posts are brilliant.