I guess in a way you could say I'm a big fat liar! I say I believe in the power of prayer, I claim that I trust God...truth is, I get so down on myself for not being all the things I think others are that I won't give myself permission to ask for help when I need it. It occurred to me today that as I stubbornly cling to my self-sufficiency, I'm most likely causing God to bellow down at me...
WHAT THE...
Have I not told you that you are my child?
Have I not answered every prayer you have faithfully offered?
You are never out of my sight or my heart or my influence.
There is nothing you could do to cause my love for you to diminish or die.
When I said not to judge others you were not supposed to judge yourself either, that's my job.
Did I not send Mine Only Begotten Son, even Jesus Christ to pay the price for your sins?
Have I not invited you to, Ask in faith, believing that you will receive, and I will bless you"?
Are your needs not known My little Lilly of the field?
We have no income, we have had no income since January. This is embarrassing and painful for me, and so, I begin the, 'oh so helpful process', of self flagellation. I am an expert at incapacitating myself with blame and accusation, I beat myself up for not being more frugal, for not doing more to seek income for our family months ago. Then,' brilliantly' I dig deeper, into more painful areas of self doubt and judgment, I dig up the past, every mistake I've ever made, every decision that turned out differently then I had anticipated it should. It's not pretty, it leaves me wanting to go fetal in a Hostess thrift store, drowning my fear, hurt and stubborn heart in empty calories and cream filling.
No need to send money, well OK, if you have a bunch of $$$'s cluttering up your otherwise pristine banking account feel free. No, seriously, no donations necessary, actually what I needed was to confess my mistrust of God and seek his loving forgiveness. I also need to make amends with myself. "Mean, self doubting, fearful Boy Mom, say sorry to loving, peaceful, trusting, Boy Mom"
"Sorry."
"It's alright, please don't do it again."
"I probably will."
"I understand."
Thank you dear internet friends for your prayers, love and example, I know that many of you have already stopped reading and offered up a prayer in our behalf, you humble me.
For some really great posts on Christian service and trust in God visit The Nurse Boys Family Devotionals post, earlier this week; and, the One and Only Octamom always delivers an amazing Sunday Selah post, her last two Sunday posts are brilliant.
18 comments:
I think we all struggle with this... That is part of the journey.
I always know that He will carry us. Guide us. I teach it to my children. But sometimes I have such a hard time practicing it. It doesn't mean I don't believe it. Just that I am learning.
Hang in there. I hope things get better soon. Sending love and prayers.
HUGS!
Big hug for Boy Mom! Big prayers for Boy Family.
YOU humble me! What amazing honesty. I love honesty. I crave it. It is inspiring.
I will be praying for you, your husband, and those adorable boys of yours. I pray each one of you will have an awesome testimony after this is all over. I pray that you feel God's love and presence through all of this.
What a difficult time this must be. Sending prayers your way right now.
Lovely post. Beautiful honesty. You are going into the prayer box, my friend.
Mrs. Nurse Boy
Thanks Mrs. Nurse Boy, I was secretly hoping for a spot in your beautiful prayer box.
Real Mom, you are beautiful, your post on how you feel about your efforts to figure out how to help your son touched me.
Mummy McTavish what can I say, your internet hug made me cry, then laugh at myself. Thanks.
This was so wonderfully put - something I think we all struggle with.
"I have faith that he CAN - but I don't have faith that he WILL."
It's tough.
But He can - and will - if you ask Him.
I don't have good words or ways to fix it. I can't think of magic sentences to heal the yuck. I do know God loves you. I am sorry for your struggle/experience. I do wish we could get e-mails of when the experience would end. I'm certain I would handle life much better if I was given more accurate details pertaining to stop dates.
Can I come with you to the Hostess Thrift Store? I'll buy.
If faith were easy, then we would not get much reward from it. We often question things that we see, let alone things that we don't see. The Israelites questioned God when he was feeding them manna and water in the desert every day. It is all a part of relationship. "I" will pray for you and your family. "You", keep that relationship going. "God", will continue to love you and bless you.
Mr.NB
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
I have found that, with faith, nothing is impossible. This is a test... this is only a test.
Giant Hugs.
Honestly sometimes I hate the "tests" (especially multiple choice ones), and the "journey", but I AM HERE!. I am here with you and your family. To me faith, faith in God, faith in Christ, and faith ME are a choices. Yes, back to the choices, the choices require ACTION.
You my friend, soul mate sister are a woman of action. Everytime I am in the dregs of lifes trials you are there pulling me upward. You taught me to choose again when I thought I couldn't anymore. Also, that I can't make others choices, or be guilty for their choices.
Ignore those self judging thoughts and hold on to your amazing inner self. Remember often the answers are in within. Don't be afraid of YOU.
Keep walking, walk past the hostess shop( coffee ice cream is better anyway) and into yourself and Christs arms. He is holding you, so am I.
Always in my prayers.
Income. It would be nice to be able to live without it. The economy has finally begun affecting Aaron's practice and we are dealing with the same struggles. Marriage is tough sometimes. Life is tough sometimes. Having enough moola to pay bills is even tough sometimes. For us, all the time. We just keep reading our scriptures and asking for help and trying our best. That's all you can do. Remember, it's not your fault!!!! It doesn't really help to put fault and blame anywhere although as human beings, we like to. If we can find a person to blame things on, sometimes that's ourselves or our spouse, then we feel more in control and better. But not really. Working together to fix the problem is the best. Here's to hoping a solution comes your way. I will pray for you to get an answer to YOUR prayers.
Oh Boy Mom, anytime you want to cry you can count on me joining in with you. I'm doing a lot of crying lately, stinkin' hormones. I'll laugh with you thirty seconds later too, yep, at myself for crying. It's great to be a chick! Here's another big hug to set you off:)
Thanks so much for your prayers and concern, all of you. I feel strengthened and energized! I should have turned this over to God and all Y'all sooner but I'm here now. Thanks for all the hugs and prayers, I have truly felt everyone.
Boy, do I understand the no income and self-flagellation that comes with it. You are in my prayers.
You get a huge hug from me as well. It'll turn around, I'm sure, and I admire your willingness to let your blog family be your crying-into shoulder.
By the way, your Primary lesson made my eyes really sweaty for some reason...I love it when it's your turn.
Hey! I wanted to hug you before Paul. Love you Susan!
okay...i scrolled down and kept going and going and going. So many great posts, so little time. each deserving their own comments. but I was so enamored by them all. fun, and thanks for sharing.
Hey, if you get a chance to go and read a post by my aunt and me on WOmen DoinG MoRe...it is a great blog site, and this post has so much meaning to me: THanks, let me know what you think...feel, if you can: http://womendoingmore.blogspot.com/2009/03/anthony.html
Montgomery,Mandi,you are two of my most favorite people! Thanks for helping me get through a really cruddy few days.
Mandi, as I recall you did hug first, live and in person but I'll always take another.
Montgomery, I love your sweaty eyes.
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