I'm starting to get a clue, it only took seven sons, that sleeping face to face with a coughing, feverish, child is not so much an act of motherly love but an act of insane stupidity. I took all the vitamins and tried the Zicam pills; still, this morning as I'm holding Adam on my lap at the doctors office, while he's experiencing the miraculous disappearing symptoms at the doctors office cure, I'm coughing my lungs out. We didn't have to see the Doctor, the nurse, who's such a sweetheart, told me that croup is going around and they can't do anything, she gave me some more medicine for my breathing machine and sent us home, always nice to get out of the Doctors office without spending $100.00.
As as I feel myself getting sicker and sicker I'm noticing that I have a child in each of the childhood stages of illness. So for those who don't know, or for those who need to know they're not alone, here are Susan's stages of childhood illness.
The What is Wrong With You Stage:
This stage takes place before acttual symptoms appear and may be characterized by incessant whining, and heartbroken crying about everything..." My chicken nugget is to crisunchewey, wahhhhh!" In certain children (Adam) this stage exhibits as a mad dash to do everything that they know perfectly well they shouldn't while sassing, back talking and threatening you with every punishment you threaten them with. Towards the end of this stage you will probably hear yourself scream"You're going to the doctor and you had better be sick."
The Doctor Stage:
This stage is marked by the child's rapid descent into symptoms, fevers, coughing, runny noses, vomiting, diarrhea. The Mother then, feeling guilty over her less then tender feelings toward her stage one child, cares more tenderly for her child while going through the, do I take them to the doctor debate. During this stage you will hear yourself thinking, "Do I take him to the doctor? I don't have three hours to waste today; maybe it's just a virus; he'll be okay, maybe it's pneumococcalhantamenengitalecolitic mutating bacterial viral disease; I can't afford another trip to the doctors office; he's burning up, I'll let him sleep with me; I'm a terrible mother I should make him eat more veggies." It's important to know that no matter how deathly ill your child appears the second you walk in the door at the Doctors office all symptoms will disappear so that you can feel like an idiot as your, desperately ill, child dumps out every toy, fights with all the other symptom free children over the slide the bead thingey, manages to pull the wires out of the slide the bead thingey so that all the beads fall off, rips a book or two and nearly tips over the fish tank.
The Futile Attempt to Get Medicine Down Them Stage:
Why is it that a child who will eat candy they find on the ground in the grocery store parking lot, school glue, boogers or three week old pizza they found under their teenage brothers bed, will fight each and every attempt to get fruit flavored liquid in a cute little dropper within three feet of their mouth.
The I'm Once again Invincible Stage:
"I don't need a coat." "I hate broccoli, and carrots." "I couldn't find my shoes." "Why can't I have chocolate cake for dinner?" "I don't like vitamins, they taste nasty." "I'm not tired...all my friends stay up till 11:00"
There you have it my stages of childhood illness, it should be noted that all of them are greatly exaggerated by mom getting sick herself.