Friday, January 25, 2008

Empty Threats

One of the great joys of parenting is empty threats. Although Super Nanny and a plethora of Ivy League child development specialists tell us, in superior voices, that empty threats ultimately undermine parental ability to affect childhood behavior; I say, in a very practical, cause I'm freakin' livin' childhood development with MY kids, voice, that empty threats have their advantages. Empty threats are fun, they give you a chance to calm down and distract the little dears from their current behavior, they help you laugh at yourself, they teach children the difference between fact and fiction, empty threats encourage creative thinking and help children see that they may be being just a bit dramatic about life.

Ok, before you go all DCFS on me, let me assure you that I have deep respect for Childhood experts and I know that empty threats destroy little psyches and border on abuse and I would never realllly use an empty threat, but if I did here are a few of my favorites.

Moms to children:

I brought you in to this world and I can take you out.( Not if taking them out feels anything like bringing them in.)

I'm going to heat that food up and serve it to you for every meal until you eat it. (Isn't that called leftovers?)

If you don't eat your dinner you won't get desert. (They know I wilt after three whines.)

If you don't pick up your toys I'm going to throw them all away. (Yeah, Right I paid for the dang things.)

If you don't change that attitude I'll change it for you. (This is my favorite, until they start asking what an attitude is)

If you won't be quiet I'm going to tape your mouth shut. ( Doesn't work, I've tried it.)

If you hurt yourself I'm going to spank you. (This little gem is my Mom's)

Dad to kids.

If you don't knock it off I'm gonna stop this car and leave you on the side of the road.(But Daddy, just this morning you called me your little tax break)

Do you want we to break my foot off in your arse?(This is gonna hurt me more then it'll hurt you, might actually apply in this case)

I'm gonna blister your butt. (Is it possible to actually raise blisters?)

Do you want your balls cut off?(Umm, no)

If I find one of those lying around I'm going to stuff it in an orifice you don't want me messin' with. ( Gross.)

OK, so what are some of your favorites? Leave me a comment and I'll post it on my blog.


Cori Ann said...

Hey... I've actually used some of those. I am the queen of empty threats. They're harmless... for the most part.

Anonymous said...

We use this one all the time, "If you don't get in YOUR bed to sleep, then you can sleep outside." Sometimes I add, "in the dark" or "with the bugs" or "in the cold" for emphasis. No, none of my kids have ever slept outside but it still works.

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