Friday, January 18, 2008

Safety Alert

This email was forwarded to me from my husband’s cousin.

I hope she doesn’t know the original sender.

While I agree that we all need to be aware of the obvious when it comes to safety; I get tired of all the paranoid freak you out emails that seemed to have gained a life of their own in cyberspace. So here is my lame-assed attempt to make a rapesafe refresher course humorous.

Disclaimer: The information and said humorous/witty asides do not necessarily reflect the views or opinions of the Smith family, its members, partners, or wholly owned subsidiaries. The reader assumes all responsibility. Proceed at your own risk.

This is important information for females of all ages.

Please read it to your 3 year old daughters.
When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends, but I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have female friends and this information is too important to miss someone.

Is it just me or does this guy seem a little suspicious?

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:
That explains it…I wonder if he sent the email before or after he finished his prison sentence?

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.
That settles it I’m dying my hair Lime Green cutting it down to a nice 1 ½ inch length and spiking it with super glue.
2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly.
Great I’m going to have to start wearing undies.
3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse, or doing other activities while walking because they are off-guard and can be easily overpowered.
Like digging through the grocery bags to find the treats she plans to eat all by herself in the car on the way home.
4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00a.m. and 8:30a.m.
I’m sleeping in until 12:30 p.m. every day, just to be safe
5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.

Grocery store, why, why, how could anything bad ever happen at the grocery store.

Office Parking Garage, like I would ever be by myself at any place as nice as an office with a parking garage.

Public restroom, since I have to start wearing clothing that’s difficult to get out of and have had 7 kids…I’ll just be going in my panties thanks.
6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.
“I’ve, got her, Scotty, Beam, me up!”

“I can’t get a lock on ya Jim.”

“I’m, gonna, lose her, Scotty. Transport, now!”

“Dammit, Jim, I’m not a miracle worker.’
7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.
Who knew rapists thought about their future?
8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.
Well Duh! Every three year old has mastered this technique, throwing a temper tantrum works.
9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.
Would a big, red, plastic, Fat Bat work?

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: 'I can't believe it is so cold out here.’ Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.
Or go on and on about each of your child birth experiences, nothing turns a man off faster.
11.) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back .
So why doesn’t this work when I’m dressed up and a sticky handed, dirty faced two year old man is coming towards me?

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.
Pepper Spray? I dunno, I think about how many times I have sprayed myself in the eye with a can of hair spray when I’m stressed out because I’m late for church… No, I don’t think so.
13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY, VERY HARD . One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches.
So that’s why Moms everywhere teach their sons that pinching is only for girls.

14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble and he's out of there.

This also works well for pig headed principals, know-it-all Doctors or annoying men types everywhere.
15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.
ohh! That sound just totally freaks me out, No Way!
16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!!
You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

My Momma taught me, All Guys were trouble!

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!
Wait; is that the bendy thing on my legs or the bendy thing my arms?

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!
My teenagers are way more interested in my purse then in me…Is the New Orleans tour guide an expert on teenagers as well?

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

Alas, one more reason we can’t haul our kidlets around in the trunk.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook or making a list, etc.) DON'T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.
I’ve got 7 kids, quiet and privacy matter to me, a lot, if I am so desperate for a little quiet time that I’m taking it in my car in the parking lot at the grocery store and some guy tries to interrupt me for sex…I pity da fool!

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

Try to total it then you can get a new car in the bargain.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.

If a someone climbed in my car amongst the sippy cups of sour milk, fruit snack wrappers, assortment of toys, dirty diapers, dried up chicken nuggets and french fries and still thinks I’m worth the wait in the hopes he’ll get sex…he’s probably my husband.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

Mothers with many annoying children drive vans as well; they must be avoided at all costs.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.

One day I was out shopping with a friend, I sat in the parking lot in my maroon Suburban with all our kiddos waiting while she ran an errand. Facing me a couple aisles closer to the store was a man sitting in his maroon Suburban with his kiddos waiting for someone…Yeah, you guessed it, as I watched, Suzie came out walked to the passenger side of the guys Suburban and climbed in and started yakking. The poor guy never said a word Suzie looked at him started laughing to hard to say anything and climbed back out. If I see a man sitting alone in a car by mine I’ll just climb on in and laugh my ass off.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)
Hey, who are all these men in my house? Why do they wait for me in the car? Why is one of them winking at me then looking towards the bedroom…? Sorry just a little paranoid.

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

Stairs also tend to leave you out of breath when you’re still carrying that extra 50lbs from the last baby, a Fat Bat, and pepper spray, rehearsing your birthing stories, wearing lots of difficult clothing, and digging through your purse for a treat you can eat in privacy on the way home.

7. If the predator has a gun you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times. And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, preferably in a zigzag pattern!

I believe this, no matter how mad I am I can only hit a zigzagging toddler with a ketchup covered Dora figurine 4 in 100 times.

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP! It may get you raped or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well-educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.
After all good looking well educated men don’t need sympathy. Grab that cane and beat him to death sisters.

9. Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her 'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes. DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This should be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

You’re only allowed to notice other peoples crying babies when you’re shopping, without your kids, at Wallmart.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life. A candle is not dimmed by lighting another candle. I was going to send this to the ladies only, but guys, if you love your mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, etc., you may want to pass it onto them, as well.

This guy has so, done time.

I hope you have a smile on your face, a fat bat in your purse short greasy hair, really difficult to remove clothing and the assurance that neither your Husband nor any other slime ball on the planet will ever be able to fulfill your secret rape fantasies.

Oh whatever, I know I’m not the only one.

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